Hard

Its just a massacre. A crazy roller coaster of emotions. Today, is the first day in a long time that my heart feels heavy again. I feel worn out by the pressures of the world. I feel worn out and disillusioned in my self. I have never had such hard decisions, such heavy burdens to deal with. At the moment, at this very moment I am aware that its just a mass of emotions. I know that tomorrow I will awake and the sun will still be shining and everything will magically be okay. Its today that's hard to get over. Its today that is so hard for me to deal with.
I feel like she is so much like me. She gets abandoned and everyone treats her badly. Everyone including myself. She is so accustomed to it. She hardly likes being treated well.  I  miss her when she is not around and yet when she is here its unbearable. She drives me nuts. She drills into my sanity and its hard to have anything working or functional when she is around. It is hard for me to even mention her name. I keep staring at photos of her. Analyzing how much I would judge the people that made the same decision that I am about to make today.
I know I don't have a choice. I know there are more important factors that I have to consider. Its just that today, I seem to see everything in black and white. There are no grays. I know she cant stay but yet I yearn for her to be okay. To not despise me and I desperately want her to see the beauty in the world. I want her to find a family that loves her. The way she is. Dysfunction and yet beautiful in so many ways. Cuddly and loving and yet ever so hyperactive and attention deprived. She has been my biggest responsibility till date and yet I feel like I have failed her.
Why is it so hard? Its the same thing, the letting go that I have a hard time with. Its as if I don't want to face it out of fear. I know in my heart of hearts that its for the best yet I know that its the most selfish thing I have done. Its for the best for her, only if she finds a good home. Its for the best for me even if she doesn't. How crude, how heartless does that sound?
I am so confused and entangled in my emotions. I find myself crying uncontrollably and yearning for an answer to just come. It has always been the way my life works. For one reason or another everything always just falls into place. I need that to happen again. I am desperate for her to be okay and yet I know I am only thinking about it selfishly.
From the streets only to be battered and bruised and exchanged from hand to hand. Its ridiculous. The worst is that I have no one else to blame but myself.
I guess what I am the most scared of is to be judged. Does it really matter? All I know I want right now is for something to make me feel better. Less horrible as a person for making this drastic decision. I wish I had more money. I wish I had a bigger house. I wish the circumstances were different so that it could all flow more naturally.
Why is it so much easier for me to write when I feel like this? I guess it just helps me get my emotions out. When I feel all confused and lost, suddenly writing it down, even though its vague and ambiguous at best, it helps me deal with my crazy emotions. Call them hormones. Call them insecurities, at the moment it just feels like the hardest thing to do.