sad

eugh, magic!!! you frustrate me!!! Soooo much!!! i finally GOT IT ALL OUT!!! i wrote out SADNESS!!!! eughhhhh and you just make it go away.. my world was shaking, everything was poured out, and instead of you letting me show the world, you took it away from me!!!!! I grabbed THAT moment,  ufff... I feel a little lighter, there is a song, that made me drain my eyes, in a beautiful way.... its honest and its love, and wow... I wanna translate it

Stay a moment here
Dont look my way
I wont be able to take it
if you pierce your eyes
That freeze my body

Its happened to me before
That i cant speak
Maybe you think I am crazy
And its true a little
I have to accept it
But if dont explain it to you
What i feel inside
You will never understand
When you see me cry. 

i never felt so alone 
As i did yesterday when
Suddenly I understood
While I stayed in silence
life yelled at me
that i never had you
and i never lost you
and it explained to me
that love is something 
that you spontaneously give
in natural way
filled with fire
If you force it it wilts
Without having a beginning it gets to its end

i never felt so alone 
As i did yesterday when
Suddenly I understood
While I stayed in silence
life yelled at me
that i never had you
and i never lost you
and it explained to me
that love is something 
that you spontaneously give
in natural way
filled with fire
If you force it it wilts
Without having a beginning it gets to its end

Maybe now you can understand
That if you touch me my skin burns
Maybe now you can understand
And dont come back if  you dont want to see

That i cry for you
That i cry without you
That I understood
That you're not for me
And I cry. 

Taken

I feel as though it was all taken away from me, without me having any control. It makes me wonder why I truly have control over. I feel my heart is a lie, a dead end road. Following it is following my demise. But its LOVE, and i know it. For the first time in my life, HIS happiness and HIS well being, even if it doesnt intertwine with mine, is all that I want. My heart yearns from him, longs for his touch, longs for him to be the man I once knew. Full of love and life and a confidence in who he was. I miss him, and no matter how much I talk to him, its not the same. We shared a bond, and there is no doubt in my head that it can not be replicated. That is what scares me. Where does all this love go? the bond that i once held on to as my life support? I am fine without him, my heart still beats, my lungs still inhale and exhale perfectly, my body is in tact. Its my heart that I dont feel beating without him that worries me. Its that yelling, incessant yelling of my heart that confuses me. I keep wondering why, if I am so sure, that my hearts plea is not responded.
It was my stability that was taken, the arms that were home.
My passion that was taken, to give myself completely.
And i feel its all still there, waiting, patiently waiting. I have no question in my heart, no doubt. My body cant love another the way i loved him. My heart pains me in a way that I have never felt before. Usually, I am strong. I grow another layer but to the world I am fine. I break down in silence, I cry by myself, and yet I feel so vulnerable now. My tears dont dry, even if my eyes do. My pain is overwhelming, and im scared it will never cease. My heart is heavy, carries a weight yet I am certain this universe sets obstacles in the way. I want to fight, with every shred of me, but I know thats not what he needs. He needs time, he needs space, he needs to grow and come to be. Yet I know what its like to go through that. Not know and doubt who you are. I know what it feels like to loose yourself, and need nothing more than to find yourself. I think my biggest regrets during that phase was loosing who at the time I thought was my other half. I let him slip away, let him build those walls, and if its a regret, then why am i watching my history repeat?
In a weird way, I feel like I AM living, going through the motions of a normal daily life. Feeling the ups and the downs and everything in between. I find refuge in music, comfort in silence, and even with meditation, it eases my mind but not my heart. I literally feel heavy, and I try to use it to feel strong. I am scared to succumb, cause the darkness will set in, scared to stay and watch myself fall apart, and scared to leave and live with the regret.
The turmoil of emotions, the rollercoaster ride I am on, I feel like I have been here many times. But theres ONE heart i broke, ONE heart i never paid attention to, that caused me to be this way. I look back and see the way he loved me, and how i threw that away. I look around and see who he is today, and I am proud to have known him, but miss his heart being whole. No, I dont sit here and pretend that I am some amazing being that left footprints in his heart, I see myself as a creator of walls, new challenges for the next person to love him. But I look at him, and never want to be him. Ive always said that I was put on earth to change the world, not the other way around.
If this is karma then so be it, I have a lesson I must learn. But having watched the world learn their lessons, I see how it destroys. I feel like I have life under control. I can figure things out as I go, and each day, each lesson makes me grow stronger in myself. Yet, Love, I have always been an observer of. I have cried over break ups but i realize I missed the companionship. I had never truly hurt over LOVE. I have destroyed many hearts, and never realized it until I met HIM. What scares me, is that I FINALLY learned love, gave it away and had it thrown in my face, Im just not ready to shut away the idea of LOVE anymore, but Im sure theres no one I want to share that with but Daniel.

In the way..

I find myself lost in the idea of sex. Sex for love, sex for lust, and sex for the sake of boredom. Each holding its thrills, its heartbreaks and its pains all intertwined in the web of what we so often refer to as love. I have an image in my mind as my hands begin to explore my body. I hear his name, I feel his touch and I get lost in the fantasy of his eyes, and yet I know what I'm feeling is not real, but my mind compensating for the love and lust that once had a home.It belonged to someone, my body, as a temple, my body as an object, my body to be lusted, by body to be loved, was all mixed and confused as I heard my clothes drop to the ground. I wanted to explore if only my head didnt get in the way, i wanted to release, if only my heart didnt get in the way. I wanted to be, to love and shine, if only my soul didnt get in the way.

Life

i think we are all on the same boat, some of us can pretend we have it all figured out, but in reality, who does? and what use are plans when they fail? i think its about being ok with making mistakes, learning from them, and accepting that it wILL happen, your road map will hcange a billion times, from now till the end of the year, and it would be wierd if it didnt. I think lifes about taking a deep breath and just realizing that some things are out of your control, and some things are in your control, and its ok if you havent figured out the difference. Its not pushing yourself to find answers but accepting them when they show up.


something i wrote on skype to someone

Wow

I think that the nights i gave you are werent pointless
You leave and what? I dont try and argue it
You and I know it

At least stay just tonight
I promise i wont touch you, feel safe
Maybe I am feeling lonely

Because I know that smile, so final
Your smile that exposed your paradise.

They say that, for each man, there is someone like you
But my place,
You will occupy with someone, as will i, better, i doubt it

Why do you shy your eyes
You ask us to still be friends
Friends, Why g/d damn it
I forgive a Friend

But I love you
It may seem vain, my natural instincts 

There is something I havent told you yet
That my problems, you know are named you
Thats why I act so tough
To feel a bit more secure

And if you dont even want to tell me how i failed you
Remember even I have forgiven you
But in change you say sorry, i dont love you
And you leave with this history between your fingers

What are you going to do, find an excuse and then leave me?
You shouldnt worry, you shouldnt provoke me

To write you a pair of songs
Trying to hide my emotions
Thinking, but not much in the words
Ill speak about your smile
That opened up your paradise.

I heard this in spanish on the radio, I translated it, its late, so its not perfect, but wow.. 

She has got her ticket

Fuck it, fuck it all. I WILL leave, SHHHH blog SHHHH. Its not running, its not hidding, it scares me more than life itself. But if i am going to do it right.. lets go.

Sometimes

Its funny how love works. Sometimes I feel like all you really need is that ONE smidgen thing to push you over the edge,  to KNOW without a shred of doubt, that wow, he CANT be the one. You are waiting for him to say something, so hurtful, so resentful and so full of spite, and it just makes you throw your hands up in the air and give up.

So for that, thank you.

Raw - also old writing

I sit as an observer in my own masquerade, i have so many facades I can no longer distinguish the real from the fake. I like the roller coaster, i like hurting and being hurt. I like what gets you to that hurt. The fact that you actually have to let someone close enough to be able to hurt you.. that's beauty to me.
I indulging in indulging myself. I am selfish and reckless. I am the epitome of the scum in the human existence. I lie because I want to see what I can get away with. I have no guilt, no remorse. If someone hurts me, i hurt them twice as bad. If someone loves me I destroy them completely. The guilt of my actions is poison my vains and the only way i can endure is to build up my immune system. Build up walls to cancel out the negative. Yet somewhere in the equation I choose to disregard that the negation of negative never proves its opposite. I would never truly be positive, i would be flung into the norm, the normative, that state that can only be described as numb. Detachment and disconnect at the snap of a finger. Now fake it. Fake it till you create no cracks. Keep them out. Its you against the world and the only way one will win. So i struggle and i kick and scream as though somehow that will make it better. I indulge in all of the 7 sins and for some reason feel pride in it. I have crushed numerous hearts. mastering my technique more and more. As i learn what makes people tick I begin pushing. I'm a professional deception artist. I can fake anything for as long as it need be. I don't even think about what or who i hurt unless i get caught. I lost my conscious before I had time to properly introduce myself to him.
I'm a dangerous dog that must be put down.
I will never stop and I will hurt and hurt until the world finally destroys me.
At my funeral I will expect to see everyone hurting, crying, weeping, lamenting having hurt me. Feeling guilt that I envy. But as I open my eyes to see the beauty in my destruction i realize no one came.....
Alas, the was free beer at the party on 43rd Street.

Dont Look Back - more old writings.

Its funny how the meaning of the same words can change to radically with wisdom that comes from mistakes made along the years. When i was 12 me and my friends made shirts that said Dont look back... that was the front of the shirt, and at the back we made elusive metaphoric portrayals of who we perceived ourselves to be. I was the alien, tall and disproportionate. With eccentric features and a prepubescent timidness, I counted solely on my value as a person. I centered my focus on matters pertaining the human psyche and how through the study there of, i could achieve some sort of perfection. The people i surrounded myself with, as well as though I choose to disregard, all played part in this egocentric mentality. I tried and failed numerous times until learned helplessness seemed like a term that could be tested on me, rather than rats.(psych joke) I focused on each mistake, expanded it, analyzed and turned it inside out. Much to my dismay it turned into an eternal state of mindless meditation. As though each moment has to be savored so much, broken down so much that it looses its meaning. This principle can be observed in meditation. Take for example the tecnique in which one word is repeated over and over again until the word looses all meaning. Like Love. LOVE LOVE LOVE L O VE L OVE LOV E and so forth, until it was just nothing but a sound.. a soft murmur in the background. So the value of a moment is reduced to a mare passing that can be digested in its entirety and therefore can not be weighed when dispensed with. and somewhere along the way i forgot everything, it was dissected till the pieces of my mind fragmented and diluted to the weight of the world. I let everything that was my present cloud my vision of the future.
I turned back.
And in that moment of weakness I broke down.


Funny how you never realize how wise you once were when you were young until your old and immature.

Cheating?

Something I wrote a long time ago :

engraved in my mind are tiny shreds of memories. These elusive ideas, their vividness enchants me. I am swimming in a never ending stream of possibilities. Each with their own consequences. The blend of danger and insecurities affect my vision. Is it tunnel vision? is it a dream of what in reality could never be? It plagues me, it engulfs me compleatly and leaves me confused. There are no words for feelings, they just are. There are no threats in my mind, its safe. Its the execution of these ideas, these opinions, these thoughts that cause reprocrussions. Could I ever truly ponder all the options, or is it a matter of trying. Trying leads the possibility of failing. My frail mind, as strong as it should be with these incessant thoughts, can not bear any more. Calm down little one.
Breath.
The worst is yet to come, so maybe you should just hold your breath and dive in.............

Something Special

This is really old but I thought I would compile my writing here anyway..

Something Special

He brakes me, he hurts me with such ease
He uses me but brings me to my knees
A touch so cold, he knows how to tease
broken and bruised and yet begging please

Please show me how to be so cold
What about you never gets old
To hide my humanity and only be this
Just a look, a fuck and a goodbye kiss

Teach me how to loose all of me
Please myself and let the rest just be
To brake and yet not be broken
Train my emotions to never be awoken

Take all of me and leave me less than whole
Leave me bleeding and let death take it's toll.
He has me wrapped around his finger, choking for air
But once he gets his, he zips up and doesn't care.

I try so hard to be different than the rest
To stand out some how, for once be the best
I open my legs, hoping he'll open his heart
But after each time he grins and says "honey get smart"

And yet I let him do this, use me like a whore
Lying naked and vulerable as he slams the door.
But tonight i gave him something especially from me,
Alhough I'm not a hooker getting paid
I gave him something special,
I hope he likes AIDS.

-written by Doyel

Addicted

Im addicted to life and all its profanities
Im addicted to death and all its humanities
I have darkness in me, but i have the light too
I am everything I hate, In me and in You
I try so sincerely
And fail so severely
Disheartened, disillusioned in a world i thought would never turn its back on me.

No no amor, esa no soy yo
No no amor, nunca te haria daño

Thunder Rolling

i heard the thunder rolling
And i knew the time was approaching
I was waiting, waiting to see the flash
the flash that would take me back to the life i despise
and as i waited, I took a deep breath
I enjoyed life to its fullest and discovered its magnificence
But yet I knew the thunder would eventually turn to lightning.
There would be a flash
And with each bright light, i would turn my gaze away.
hoping to avoid the storm that was approaching.
My heart was heavy with the thoughts of the rain
and it made my eyes drizzle
this world i am living in, is merely a fantasy
an illusion that can never be sustained
so ephemeral and yet so real to me.
Flash...!!!

How I Feel

Everything right now, is perfect. I'm alive, I'm breathing, I have friends, the sun is out, the world is spinning and the birds are chirping, ican here the mussle of the trees, and slowly fading dissipating sounds of buses in the distance. ...... take it all in.
But randomly wow, he doesnt love me not cause he doesnt love me, he loves me but in the same way he loves this earth, with no attachment. Its due to MY attachment that i have this weight in my heart. And yet I like that attachment, cause I feel like it grounds me with the earth.

Truth?

I sit here stumbling page upon page of information, words, ideas, thoughts, pictures and images. It makes me question if that is what they TRULY wanted to portray. I feel that, at least for now the world DOES have limits. Writters rearrange the order of words to try and truly express what they want to. Photographers capture the world but it is really how they see it? The magic in the world does not want to be captured and yet we try nonetheless.
I feel like I am on the brink of truth, its when the heart is bare that you fine tune your ears to the pieces of wisdom that life is constantly bombarding us with. Its when its truly done right, that it evokes feeling that we refer to something as art. So maybe the truly optimal way of living would be to see oneself as just that, trying to be art.
Its that lingering connection you have with a poem, its that heart wrenching feeling you feel when you hear those lyrics, its that picture that moves you, the words on the page that touch you, THOSE are the moments you truly remember. It is being able to acknowledge the hearts whispers and to explore why that piece of art stirred up your emotions.
I believe the universe is perfect and everything happens for a reason. Humans were made curious but I wonder how much we interpreted "free will" to imply "disrupting perfection", an oxymoron all in itself.
Are there enough words in the dictionary to truly describe the ultimate truth? Or are these boundaries intentional? So one must look inside to find the truth, but truly FEEL their own truth.

I hope to one day write like this

Skin 2
I don’t imagine you
saran-wrapped in black latex
or seeping out the edges
of something tight and red
I don’t close my eyes
to dream of your back
arched at the impossible angle
of a bow pulled tight
encouraging your shoulder blades
to drip the blood
of stockpiled broken hearts
but I hope the sound
of you not shielding your eyes
from my blinding humility
will one day top the charts
it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard
and you’re the charlie chaplin of your beautifuls
because you make me believe it
when you say it all without saying a word
looking at you it occurred to me
I could sit around all day
wearing nothing but your kiss
you make mirrors
want to grind themselves
back down into sand
because they can’t do your reflection justice
and this just in
I am done with those
who in life would have made me fight
an army of imperfections
a battalion of flaws
tonight we’re going to keep this city up
when they hear our bodies
slap together like applause.


http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1XJPmS/rileydog.posterous.com/659-am

If you wanna see more from him. But wow. I feel like lately I've noticed that each day holds more truth in it than the day before. You learn and you grow and you mature, and had you learned what you did today, yesterday, it may not have made the same sense. THIS holds the truth to what I consider true love, to what I think I had or should I say have? Cause love doesn't disappear if it was ever true.

Calm before the storm

Its a roller coaster. A crazy crazy roller coaster. And right now, at this very moment, I am numb. My mind isn't racing, its calm. Its three in the morning and Im glad that i cant hear anything. I can just  hear my breath, and the keys on the laptop as I type this post. I am undeniably lost, confused and in a world of pain. Supposedly tears are the way of cleansing the soul, but when my eyes go dry my heart remains heavy. Maybe its too soon for me to see the light. I hope I will. But at this very moment, when I'm not busy self destructing, I feel peaceful. I wish i could hold on tightly to this feeling but I know the chaos will come again. My mind will get flung back into the what ifs with something simple... but I am trying to not go down that path. I will, eventually and I do not doubt it for a second.


but right now, I find solice in the calm and silence the world irradiates.

“Most people have a harder time letting themselves love than finding someone to love them.” -Bill Russell-

Riddle

answer me a riddle,
and be truthfl in what you say,
for liars dig their graves,
In the most uncomfortable way.
Dont be shy to lay it plane
No you won't be deemed insane.
Its just a simple matter;
Pick the former or the latter. ]
If someone had a psychotic fit,
To wht would you attribute it?
To a terribly foreign form of being?
Or just a different way of seeing?

Keep on dancing till the world ends

so why not? why not BELIEVE that the world WILL end in 2012, and seize the moment, breath it all in and truly feel overwhelmed by its beauty. I have had a million friends tell me how they are leaving to travel the world without a road map.. because the more plan the more dissapointed you get. so i feel our generations is going through an epidemic of seizing the moment.. yet in the back of my mind, i realize that its all selfishly. no one tries to give back cause everyone is enjoying THEIR time, so here is my new mission. WHy not travel the wolrd and see it all, but instead of only to observe, to change. if the world ends i want it to end with me knowing i did everything in my power to help , to aid, to care and to nurture everyone i had the pleasure of knowing into a better version of themselves. not for the rewards i will one day reap but for the mere pleasure of the experience. it doesnt take much to mark a difference but most people never try. people travel and soak it all in, but what is knowledge if its not shared? when i was 13 i made my philosophy "its not the world that i am changing, i do this so, the world will know it will not change me" so ill keep dancing till the world ends and hope that my beat can touch the heart of atleast one person, cause to me, thats what life is all about.

Bipolar Broken Heart

Its all tumultuous and crazy, a heap of emotions that I did not sign up for. Love, that crazy ephemeral thing that one day is there and the next it is not. I thought I had done it innumerable times and but I never did it right. It is called "falling" in love because that's exactly what you do. You grab your heart and you place it on a vulnerable platter and give it to someone, trusting that it wont be broken. I FINALLY did that, completely, I gave my heart, my body, my life, my soul. But where does it all go? When the feeling is no longer reciprocated? I fee lost and without direction. I feel loved, oh so loved, and I love the world. I am not bitter and don't get me wrong, I see human compassion, human kindness and it overwhelms me with joy. But its that heartache that only ONE human can cause - soul ache. That's how I feel. My heart is in tact and ready to love anyone willing to love. Its my SOUL that choose a lover and evidently... got it wrong. So who to trust? My heart? My body? My soul? They are all yelling a name, a path, a destiny that is denied to me. Ill probably blog a lot and for no one to be honest. Just to try and heal.

"character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved." (Helen Keller)