Its funny how the meaning of the same words can change to radically with wisdom that comes from mistakes made along the years. When i was 12 me and my friends made shirts that said Dont look back... that was the front of the shirt, and at the back we made elusive metaphoric portrayals of who we perceived ourselves to be. I was the alien, tall and disproportionate. With eccentric features and a prepubescent timidness, I counted solely on my value as a person. I centered my focus on matters pertaining the human psyche and how through the study there of, i could achieve some sort of perfection. The people i surrounded myself with, as well as though I choose to disregard, all played part in this egocentric mentality. I tried and failed numerous times until learned helplessness seemed like a term that could be tested on me, rather than rats.(psych joke) I focused on each mistake, expanded it, analyzed and turned it inside out. Much to my dismay it turned into an eternal state of mindless meditation. As though each moment has to be savored so much, broken down so much that it looses its meaning. This principle can be observed in meditation. Take for example the tecnique in which one word is repeated over and over again until the word looses all meaning. Like Love. LOVE LOVE LOVE L O VE L OVE LOV E and so forth, until it was just nothing but a sound.. a soft murmur in the background. So the value of a moment is reduced to a mare passing that can be digested in its entirety and therefore can not be weighed when dispensed with. and somewhere along the way i forgot everything, it was dissected till the pieces of my mind fragmented and diluted to the weight of the world. I let everything that was my present cloud my vision of the future.
I turned back.
And in that moment of weakness I broke down.
Funny how you never realize how wise you once were when you were young until your old and immature.
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