Hedonism

The word, that I had been looking for for so long, it finally makes sense. Hedonism, the path of pure pleasure, self gratification and self beyond other. I got a taste on Saturday, and its so magnetic, there is poesy to it. A world in which sometimes I can fit so carelessly.
And then  I feel so disconnected spiritually. I let it go, and get engulfed in hedonistic pleasures. I am trying to look beyond wrong and right but why does it feel so wrong? He haunts me, I see him and something I could have done so effortless earlier, I can no longer do. I dont get why. Its like a wall, where I see images, of me and Daniel, in passion, in love, in sex, in lust, in us. I wish he would let me go. He doesnt want me, and thats a realization that is painful enough, must I really bare  a string that holds me to him? I felt like I cut it on Sunday, cause it was too painful. Then why? Why can he still sense me? Know me so completely? I feel like if he is connected I might miss out on meaningful connections. I dont want life to pass me by while I sit idly waiting for a love.
Yesterday I was comforted by a friend that made me realize that guys like me DO exist. I want to find them, I want to feel like I am not weird for FEELING the music, letting the lyrics speak its poetry through my body. I want to my heart a home, but one where its wanted, not torn to shreds.