Night

The days, the days themselves aren't so bad. I feel like I can shut you out while I entertain myself with my hoola, reading, watching movies. I have friends that call me and the buzz of the world helps drawn out my heart. Today for the first time, I felt defeated, I felt numb. I know there is nothing I can do now but let you go. Such simple words and yet the actions seem so foreign. I have no more tears to cry, just a strong sense of missing you. Feeling that connection that I so often refer to.
Maybe just maybe some people are not meant to have their "happily ever after". Maybe I am one of them. Not the fate I had hoped for but I can feel my heart begin to scab. Not my whole heart, I still have so much love for the world. But love like I had known it, I think its time to lock that away. I don't want to open up my heart again like that. Its confusing cause I feel like I would have been fine, I could have gone out and dated, flirted and wanted to continue, if I didn't know how it truly felt to love. What it truly feels like. Now that I do, I realize that it doesn't come around that often. I waited 25 years to finally feel what I did. And I don't regret it for a moment. I am glad I got to live it, to understand it instead of it just being hollow words.
Its just the nights seem so endless, with my thoughts racing for hours. Its time to rip off the band aid, one swift move and its gone. It just stings still. I think I am going to grab my heart and lock it away. I don't want to deal with this anymore. Its painful to know, to see, and have a glass mirror that doesn't allow you in. My mind feels light and numb. It all seems a bit more dull at the moment.
Its horrible being defeated by love. Not sure if I'll ever plunge again.