Its just a massacre. A crazy roller coaster of emotions. Today, is the first day in a long time that my heart feels heavy again. I feel worn out by the pressures of the world. I feel worn out and disillusioned in my self. I have never had such hard decisions, such heavy burdens to deal with. At the moment, at this very moment I am aware that its just a mass of emotions. I know that tomorrow I will awake and the sun will still be shining and everything will magically be okay. Its today that's hard to get over. Its today that is so hard for me to deal with.
I feel like she is so much like me. She gets abandoned and everyone treats her badly. Everyone including myself. She is so accustomed to it. She hardly likes being treated well. I miss her when she is not around and yet when she is here its unbearable. She drives me nuts. She drills into my sanity and its hard to have anything working or functional when she is around. It is hard for me to even mention her name. I keep staring at photos of her. Analyzing how much I would judge the people that made the same decision that I am about to make today.
I know I don't have a choice. I know there are more important factors that I have to consider. Its just that today, I seem to see everything in black and white. There are no grays. I know she cant stay but yet I yearn for her to be okay. To not despise me and I desperately want her to see the beauty in the world. I want her to find a family that loves her. The way she is. Dysfunction and yet beautiful in so many ways. Cuddly and loving and yet ever so hyperactive and attention deprived. She has been my biggest responsibility till date and yet I feel like I have failed her.
Why is it so hard? Its the same thing, the letting go that I have a hard time with. Its as if I don't want to face it out of fear. I know in my heart of hearts that its for the best yet I know that its the most selfish thing I have done. Its for the best for her, only if she finds a good home. Its for the best for me even if she doesn't. How crude, how heartless does that sound?
I am so confused and entangled in my emotions. I find myself crying uncontrollably and yearning for an answer to just come. It has always been the way my life works. For one reason or another everything always just falls into place. I need that to happen again. I am desperate for her to be okay and yet I know I am only thinking about it selfishly.
From the streets only to be battered and bruised and exchanged from hand to hand. Its ridiculous. The worst is that I have no one else to blame but myself.
I guess what I am the most scared of is to be judged. Does it really matter? All I know I want right now is for something to make me feel better. Less horrible as a person for making this drastic decision. I wish I had more money. I wish I had a bigger house. I wish the circumstances were different so that it could all flow more naturally.
Why is it so much easier for me to write when I feel like this? I guess it just helps me get my emotions out. When I feel all confused and lost, suddenly writing it down, even though its vague and ambiguous at best, it helps me deal with my crazy emotions. Call them hormones. Call them insecurities, at the moment it just feels like the hardest thing to do.
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Fruit Fly, Flea Fly flow
Here it goes, explosions in my mind all in one place. Boom!!
I write and I erase. I cry I sob, I spill, I hold back.
omg, omg!!
A fruit fly
A bug
A thing
it
went into the screen.
I squished it with
my finger
it turned
into a
a fly.
Beautiful
Scene.
I write and I erase. I cry I sob, I spill, I hold back.
omg, omg!!
A fruit fly
A bug
A thing
it
went into the screen.
I squished it with
my finger
it turned
into a
a fly.
Beautiful
Scene.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Stretching
Stretching, making something longer, thinner, less durable than it originally was. Changing its form to something that usually can not be changed back that easy. So I guess this is the last phase. That moment you realize another guy is occupying your thoughts and suddenly what you had got used to feeling, that empty loneliness that was left, it suddenly vanishes. Little by little the colours come back into the world, making everything brighter again. You cant help but notice how your lips are slightly inclines upwards much more often and you smile every time you hear the sound of new message on your phone. Secretly hoping it is him, texting you from the States, missing you as much as you are missing him in only 10 days. 10 days and my mind is spinning. He is playing it perfectly and yet I truly whole heartedly hope its not a game. He entices me with his words, moves me with his compassion and understanding, thrills me with his fascinatingly smart mind and wins me over with his thoughtfulness. Here is an idea I am not used to, DEPENDING on a guy. Knowing that a guy will pull through, I have never truly been vulnerable to a guy, never entirely. I like being independent, paying my own things and not counting on men because they tend to not pull through - mind you, with that hert melting pupppy face - and suddenly you become the demanding bitch expecting too much and causing uncessary drama. Drama, in male language falls anywhere between out right crazy outburst usually accompanied by alcohol to something as simple as trying to probe into his feelings; encompassing what is better known by the female sex as "intimacy" but I digress.
He is different.
I have faith in him, his timing is always immaculate and makes me smile from ear to ear when I need it the most.
So I guess this means I HAVE reached the final step of a break up, the hardest, scariest and yet the most exciting part of it all.
We've stretched it. To the true meaning of stretching and now its way too brittle. Its changed its shape and it will never go back to what it was. So this time I say we stretch some more, the ultimate stretch, where those fibers that somehow still invisibly bond us set us free. So each person continues on their own path and suddenly, out of thin air the chord simply, undeniably and unchangeably
SNAPS!
Alis Volat Propriis
He is different.
I have faith in him, his timing is always immaculate and makes me smile from ear to ear when I need it the most.
So I guess this means I HAVE reached the final step of a break up, the hardest, scariest and yet the most exciting part of it all.
We've stretched it. To the true meaning of stretching and now its way too brittle. Its changed its shape and it will never go back to what it was. So this time I say we stretch some more, the ultimate stretch, where those fibers that somehow still invisibly bond us set us free. So each person continues on their own path and suddenly, out of thin air the chord simply, undeniably and unchangeably
SNAPS!
Alis Volat Propriis
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Dont tell me our youth is running out, its only just begun
Do you want me to be honest? i just dont feel it anymore. I dont find comfort in anything. I wanna run away for a while. I sometimes question if i have multiple personalities. Ian was right. Let me explain. Shannon and I were at a party and we had certain plans for the night, like get a ride, go to certain areas, bla bla bla. we were figuring out how to get our way and had finally broken it down to an art form and we were JUST about to execute the plan when Ian comes up from behind us. "wow, so THIS is all just a game to you too. We are honestly nothing but pawns in your game" I was in shock, but in a way because he spoke the truth. It was hurtful to hear, just as it is to type but I digress. We did not want our night ruined so we tried to get Ian to just keep quiet and we did our own thing. Anyway, Ian followed us around and told anyone we talked to that we saw life as a game and that we were going to use them! I sat there, in shock and I told Ian that I realized that wow, I DID do that. Yet in a way, I always knew who I COULD and who I COULDNT. I always found it funny that my ex boyfriends were always the ones that were worried that I played them. What they dont get is that if I want to hang around someone for a long period of time, its for no other reason except for the fact that I find them to be an equal. Someone I can respect and that can respect me. Someone I can admire and learn from and vice versa. WHYYYY on EARTH would ANYONE want someone the could manipulate? How boring!!
Secondly, while I was sitting there, I sat analyzing how similar me and shannon were, how compatible and equal we were, and suddenly my eyes warped to a sexual gaze upon Shannon. I stared at her until I felt the weight of a glaze on my shoulders. I looked over and Ian looks at me and says " Wow, Hello Evil Doy! I have missed you!" to which I had no reply. I gazed in shock. He asked me if I wanted to leave, he said he enjoyed my company because even though he felt smarter than most he didnt mind being around me. I smiled, I understood and took it as a warm, whole hearted compliment.
Secondly, while I was sitting there, I sat analyzing how similar me and shannon were, how compatible and equal we were, and suddenly my eyes warped to a sexual gaze upon Shannon. I stared at her until I felt the weight of a glaze on my shoulders. I looked over and Ian looks at me and says " Wow, Hello Evil Doy! I have missed you!" to which I had no reply. I gazed in shock. He asked me if I wanted to leave, he said he enjoyed my company because even though he felt smarter than most he didnt mind being around me. I smiled, I understood and took it as a warm, whole hearted compliment.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Two Meanings
Just yesterday these lyrics, they hurt. Revelry to me was a sense of enlightment, just letting yourself go into that amazing being that you actually ARE, KNOW you are.. and that song hurt, cause it made my soul to be free, and it wept. Thats how it felt to me.
Today it feels like freedom. I am FINALLY free!!!!!!! I feel every sense of me burn into happiness with every word and it no long stings and stabs me, it moves me, it liberates me! :D :D :D :D
This song sounds like all the while I was simply dreaming of freedom, of complete and utter explosions of bliss. The feeling of being incomplete is completely fine. im seperated and joined by the same force. I am everything and I am the space between the disattached limbs of me. Its floating. Its blissful and it nearly moves me to tears as well, but its out of overwhelming beauty. This, this is why i live!!! :D :D :D
I wish, i wish more people felt as whole and incomplete, scattered and yet centered the vibrations are so sstrong, and i jsut have to focus for two seconds to fall into a bliss.. Tonight I shall meditate. Tonight I shall dance. I will trance into music and let my soul free for a while.
Today it feels like freedom. I am FINALLY free!!!!!!! I feel every sense of me burn into happiness with every word and it no long stings and stabs me, it moves me, it liberates me! :D :D :D :D
This song sounds like all the while I was simply dreaming of freedom, of complete and utter explosions of bliss. The feeling of being incomplete is completely fine. im seperated and joined by the same force. I am everything and I am the space between the disattached limbs of me. Its floating. Its blissful and it nearly moves me to tears as well, but its out of overwhelming beauty. This, this is why i live!!! :D :D :D
I wish, i wish more people felt as whole and incomplete, scattered and yet centered the vibrations are so sstrong, and i jsut have to focus for two seconds to fall into a bliss.. Tonight I shall meditate. Tonight I shall dance. I will trance into music and let my soul free for a while.
Breakdown
It was crazy how it all fell down in an instant. One moment it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. I was sitting up watching the sky, the water glistening and everything was serene. And suddenly, suddenly it wasnt comfortable anymore. It was so vast, I was so tiny, so insignificant and I felt as though I didnt matter at all.
He was on the hammock but he got up and walked over to me and hugged me. I tried to smile and hold back my tears and gasped out " I am a little emo right not" between tears.
He asked what that was.
I couldn't answer.
He asked me what was on my mind. I tried to tell him but I burst into tears. He hugged me from behind while we both looked out at the sea and he said "dont cry, I dont want it to rain" I giggled.
The moment passed. Nothing happened but it was what I needed.
Today I felt an intense connection with a book. From how I found it, to to words, to the ideas and emotions, it moves me. I sat on the bus, reading each word captivated by the feelings that resonated a mirror heart. Each word filled with vivacity and crude truth in sharp shards. in less than two pages, I had to shut the book. I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness. I hurt for me. For what I had endured all this time. I hurt to see what I had willingly put myself through. I hurt for all the girls who have ever felt what I have felt. I hurt for the girls who, like me, thought they were the only ones. My heart was just filled with hurt and I wept uncontrollably for an hour. I was unaware of the passage of time, blinded by deep felt hurt. I have never felt something like that before.
Two states of just being utterly overwhelmed.
And somehow this song fits in somewhere within all that madness.. I dont know how yet.
Born to run, baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back I don't ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start
He was on the hammock but he got up and walked over to me and hugged me. I tried to smile and hold back my tears and gasped out " I am a little emo right not" between tears.
He asked what that was.
I couldn't answer.
He asked me what was on my mind. I tried to tell him but I burst into tears. He hugged me from behind while we both looked out at the sea and he said "dont cry, I dont want it to rain" I giggled.
The moment passed. Nothing happened but it was what I needed.
Today I felt an intense connection with a book. From how I found it, to to words, to the ideas and emotions, it moves me. I sat on the bus, reading each word captivated by the feelings that resonated a mirror heart. Each word filled with vivacity and crude truth in sharp shards. in less than two pages, I had to shut the book. I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness. I hurt for me. For what I had endured all this time. I hurt to see what I had willingly put myself through. I hurt for all the girls who have ever felt what I have felt. I hurt for the girls who, like me, thought they were the only ones. My heart was just filled with hurt and I wept uncontrollably for an hour. I was unaware of the passage of time, blinded by deep felt hurt. I have never felt something like that before.
Two states of just being utterly overwhelmed.
And somehow this song fits in somewhere within all that madness.. I dont know how yet.
Born to run, baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back I don't ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start
Monday, January 30, 2012
Breakdown
It was crazy how it all fell down in an instant. One moment it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. I was sitting up watching the sky, the water glistening and everything was serene. And suddenly, suddenly it wasnt comfortable anymore. It was so vast, I was so tiny, so insignificant and I felt as though I didnt matter at all.
He was on the hammock but he got up and walked over to me and hugged me. I tried to smile and hold back my tears and gasped out " I am a little emo right not" between tears.
He asked what that was.
I couldn't answer.
He asked me what was on my mind. I tried to tell him but I burst into tears. He hugged me from behind while we both looked out at the sea and he said "dont cry, I dont want it to rain" I giggled.
The moment passed. Nothing happened but it was what I needed.
Today I felt an intense connection with a book. From how I found it, to to words, to the ideas and emotions, it moves me. I sat on the bus, reading each word captivated by the feelings that resonated a mirror heart. Each word filled with vivacity and crude truth in sharp shards. in less than two pages, I had to shut the book. I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness. I hurt for me. For what I had endured all this time. I hurt to see what I had willingly put myself through. I hurt for all the girls who have ever felt what I have felt. I hurt for the girls who, like me, thought they were the only ones. My heart was just filled with hurt and I wept uncontrollably for an hour. I was unaware of the passage of time, blinded by deep felt hurt. I have never felt something like that before.
Two states of just being utterly overwhelmed.
And somehow this song fits in somewhere within all that madness.. I dont know how yet.
Born to run, baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back I don't ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start
He was on the hammock but he got up and walked over to me and hugged me. I tried to smile and hold back my tears and gasped out " I am a little emo right not" between tears.
He asked what that was.
I couldn't answer.
He asked me what was on my mind. I tried to tell him but I burst into tears. He hugged me from behind while we both looked out at the sea and he said "dont cry, I dont want it to rain" I giggled.
The moment passed. Nothing happened but it was what I needed.
Today I felt an intense connection with a book. From how I found it, to to words, to the ideas and emotions, it moves me. I sat on the bus, reading each word captivated by the feelings that resonated a mirror heart. Each word filled with vivacity and crude truth in sharp shards. in less than two pages, I had to shut the book. I was overwhelmed with a sense of sadness. I hurt for me. For what I had endured all this time. I hurt to see what I had willingly put myself through. I hurt for all the girls who have ever felt what I have felt. I hurt for the girls who, like me, thought they were the only ones. My heart was just filled with hurt and I wept uncontrollably for an hour. I was unaware of the passage of time, blinded by deep felt hurt. I have never felt something like that before.
Two states of just being utterly overwhelmed.
And somehow this song fits in somewhere within all that madness.. I dont know how yet.
Born to run, baby run like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind in my back I don't ever even bat an eye
Just know it was you all along who had a hold of my heart
But the demon and me were the best of friends from the start
Haha, and now I know...... Thank you for sprinkling some sunshine my way :D
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Dear Universe
Dear Universe,
Id like to take a second to express what I feel for you. thank you, for giving me this great gift.. the gift of life. You embrace me in blankets of bliss, warm, comforting and eternal rays of sunshine. You blessed with me with infinite tools just waiting to be explored. You gave me the ultimate power, the power of choice. You have me the freedom to CHOOSE happiness. Dear Universe thank you for understanding that I am a mere disciple in this school of life and I am constantly trying to grow in my quest for the ultimate light. Universe, I am ever so grateful for the chance to explore all these emotions, these feelings, these choices and decisions and yet knowing that everything will be okay in the end. It is destiny, all written in the cards and set in such a beautiful backdrop. Existence is there to humble you. To make you aware of how easy it is to fall into the trap of the cotidian. Life is a series of trials, all set out intentionally to teach you what you need to learn in order to grow. Take your time to reflect on this, each error is your destiny telling you to correct something. Listen to the voice within and grow. Let yourself flow and see where that takes you. What do you when you are all alone? Do you sing? Maybe dance? Draw? Meditate? Contemplate? why do you engage in this activity?
Maybe THAT is your path, your destiny your fulfillment. Ultimately its not in the cards. Not right now, and maybe never only time will tell. Only our perceptions will think and contemplate but only our souls will ever know. Its not in proximity that lies a twin flame but in heart felt unison. Its not for me to judge the choices, they were already written. It will lead to something if only I can learn patience.
This year is all about feeling my way through. Reason only clouds the mind, fills it with preconceived notions of what SHOULD be. The only way of truly living and grasping life is by letting it all go. I have found my destiny. There are certain things calling me. Breath in, you hear it? Breath out. Its destiny... its calling you.
Now let yourself go..
Dear universe, my mind is scattered much like your stars all perfectly chaotic. I am learning and spewing from the seams. At moments I find inner peace the only state of being and the next I find myself whipped into a world of chaos and utter hipocracy and close mindedness. Now its time I feel my way of this situation and my heart is telling me that the beach.. this weekend is where i should be. It is going to teach me something. I feel it. My intution has been very very crazy lately. I can see things in the future. WAit.. lets test this.
"I can feel my way out of anything... "
.....
Id like to take a second to express what I feel for you. thank you, for giving me this great gift.. the gift of life. You embrace me in blankets of bliss, warm, comforting and eternal rays of sunshine. You blessed with me with infinite tools just waiting to be explored. You gave me the ultimate power, the power of choice. You have me the freedom to CHOOSE happiness. Dear Universe thank you for understanding that I am a mere disciple in this school of life and I am constantly trying to grow in my quest for the ultimate light. Universe, I am ever so grateful for the chance to explore all these emotions, these feelings, these choices and decisions and yet knowing that everything will be okay in the end. It is destiny, all written in the cards and set in such a beautiful backdrop. Existence is there to humble you. To make you aware of how easy it is to fall into the trap of the cotidian. Life is a series of trials, all set out intentionally to teach you what you need to learn in order to grow. Take your time to reflect on this, each error is your destiny telling you to correct something. Listen to the voice within and grow. Let yourself flow and see where that takes you. What do you when you are all alone? Do you sing? Maybe dance? Draw? Meditate? Contemplate? why do you engage in this activity?
Maybe THAT is your path, your destiny your fulfillment. Ultimately its not in the cards. Not right now, and maybe never only time will tell. Only our perceptions will think and contemplate but only our souls will ever know. Its not in proximity that lies a twin flame but in heart felt unison. Its not for me to judge the choices, they were already written. It will lead to something if only I can learn patience.
This year is all about feeling my way through. Reason only clouds the mind, fills it with preconceived notions of what SHOULD be. The only way of truly living and grasping life is by letting it all go. I have found my destiny. There are certain things calling me. Breath in, you hear it? Breath out. Its destiny... its calling you.
Now let yourself go..
Dear universe, my mind is scattered much like your stars all perfectly chaotic. I am learning and spewing from the seams. At moments I find inner peace the only state of being and the next I find myself whipped into a world of chaos and utter hipocracy and close mindedness. Now its time I feel my way of this situation and my heart is telling me that the beach.. this weekend is where i should be. It is going to teach me something. I feel it. My intution has been very very crazy lately. I can see things in the future. WAit.. lets test this.
"I can feel my way out of anything... "
.....
Sunday, January 15, 2012
GOOD.BYE.
see sometimes you just have to let things go.
This time, I dont feel any pain. It is FINALLY over, I am ready for new and better things. I think my body has left this place. I have found people that agree. i have someone with whom to start my journey with. The cable got cut... My dad put on a video, i todl him i would go watch it with him to keep him company, it was woodstock, about free love. I am ready to leave. To learn to experience. i have friends that want to join and I laugh. I have a good time, I learn and they learn. Aiwaska, I neeeeeeeeed to try it if the world is going to end!!! Sky dive!! This job was put in my way so i could conquer fears. Lets go!!!!! :D
As for the past, well its exactly where it should be... behind me. It made me Me and for that I am thanful. If it ever needs to be resolved, well it would be wonderful... maybe one day black and white may clear to grey and instead of people being impulsive they may think twice. But it is okay. We are all one. I wish him well, love and kindness. May love warm his heart and knowledge light his way may his energy vibrate in tune with the magic of the universe. I leave him in good hands, I like him in humanities hands, in loves hands, in the universes hands, in our one-ness's hands, in MY hands. .... The culmination, the irony, the melancholy and the irreversibility. If everything happens for a reason, well let there be a reason. Because this time I AM DONE. No turning back, and no turning around. Less than perfect ending but enough room to create a new beginning. I will take what is left and reconstruct.
After tonight it will be as if you didnt exist. Thank you for making it easier. It was over a long before. Goodbye. I wish you well, I wish you happiness but I wish you maturity more than anything. I hold no resentment to you because it would only hurt myself. I forgive you even thought you dont think its your place to ask for forgiveness. Please forgive me too, for any harm I have caused you.
I will ALWAYs answer any question you ask me as honestly as i can, i promise. Deal? thats it. thats as far as THIS goes. Cause WHAT we feel...FELT, what emotional 5 dimensional love we felt, well its over. Now get ready for 3D doyel.. embrace yourself.
Sometimes the world connects and sometimes the world lets go. And right now the way the wind blows, my emotions overflow, but then come the rain, with the pitter patter, doesnt matter, ever flowing pain, of a mark that still remains, engrained in sparks of memories, buzzing sweet like honey bees. humming through the crunchly leaves, and nomatter what he always leaves.
so stay. this time change the pattern and make this pain go way.
for the worlds and the actions arent ever the same
but you claim that you like honesty
no you dont play the game
but you know its not the same
you changed
something that was magic
and made it almost tragic
so let me go
and leave it be
just engrave it in your memory
for now its gone and ill promise you
one day youll look and see it was true
but till then farewell and i hope you know
with you i really did let myself go
but if your couldnt see it
if all this time you were blind
then something better
i am bound to find
leave me alone let me stray
its seems at the end
its better this way.
This time, I dont feel any pain. It is FINALLY over, I am ready for new and better things. I think my body has left this place. I have found people that agree. i have someone with whom to start my journey with. The cable got cut... My dad put on a video, i todl him i would go watch it with him to keep him company, it was woodstock, about free love. I am ready to leave. To learn to experience. i have friends that want to join and I laugh. I have a good time, I learn and they learn. Aiwaska, I neeeeeeeeed to try it if the world is going to end!!! Sky dive!! This job was put in my way so i could conquer fears. Lets go!!!!! :D
As for the past, well its exactly where it should be... behind me. It made me Me and for that I am thanful. If it ever needs to be resolved, well it would be wonderful... maybe one day black and white may clear to grey and instead of people being impulsive they may think twice. But it is okay. We are all one. I wish him well, love and kindness. May love warm his heart and knowledge light his way may his energy vibrate in tune with the magic of the universe. I leave him in good hands, I like him in humanities hands, in loves hands, in the universes hands, in our one-ness's hands, in MY hands. .... The culmination, the irony, the melancholy and the irreversibility. If everything happens for a reason, well let there be a reason. Because this time I AM DONE. No turning back, and no turning around. Less than perfect ending but enough room to create a new beginning. I will take what is left and reconstruct.
After tonight it will be as if you didnt exist. Thank you for making it easier. It was over a long before. Goodbye. I wish you well, I wish you happiness but I wish you maturity more than anything. I hold no resentment to you because it would only hurt myself. I forgive you even thought you dont think its your place to ask for forgiveness. Please forgive me too, for any harm I have caused you.
I will ALWAYs answer any question you ask me as honestly as i can, i promise. Deal? thats it. thats as far as THIS goes. Cause WHAT we feel...FELT, what emotional 5 dimensional love we felt, well its over. Now get ready for 3D doyel.. embrace yourself.
Sometimes the world connects and sometimes the world lets go. And right now the way the wind blows, my emotions overflow, but then come the rain, with the pitter patter, doesnt matter, ever flowing pain, of a mark that still remains, engrained in sparks of memories, buzzing sweet like honey bees. humming through the crunchly leaves, and nomatter what he always leaves.
so stay. this time change the pattern and make this pain go way.
for the worlds and the actions arent ever the same
but you claim that you like honesty
no you dont play the game
but you know its not the same
you changed
something that was magic
and made it almost tragic
so let me go
and leave it be
just engrave it in your memory
for now its gone and ill promise you
one day youll look and see it was true
but till then farewell and i hope you know
with you i really did let myself go
but if your couldnt see it
if all this time you were blind
then something better
i am bound to find
leave me alone let me stray
its seems at the end
its better this way.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Yes
Maybe it is time for a new approach. Something is obviously not working.
So I tried it on for size "Yes".
Will you go out with me this weekend?
"Yes"
and it felt rather good. I couldn't contain the small hint of a smile. I sat there hopping he would say the zoo.
"We could go to Chapultepec and see all the animals"
"Does that mean the zoo?"
"Yes"
It felt just as good to hear. He he was, perfect in every way. Everything I always SAID I wanted, he was. I told him I was lazy to cook today and he said he wished we lived together because he would never mind cooking for two.
Gulp
Thud thud Thud Thud...
Could it be?
He is older
He is really hot
He has a wonderful body.
He has a heart to match.
He is funny and smart
Takes the time to get to know me
Shy but risk taking
Loves to travel and is extremely athletic.
Great listener.
Likes the sweet and romantic endearing stuff - cuddling and watching movies, hot cocoa.
Says sweet things to me all the time that make me blush
So why hadn't I said it before?
He walks in again just as I begin picking up what is left of my heart...
"Baby, do you still love me?"
...."yes".
So I tried it on for size "Yes".
Will you go out with me this weekend?
"Yes"
and it felt rather good. I couldn't contain the small hint of a smile. I sat there hopping he would say the zoo.
"We could go to Chapultepec and see all the animals"
"Does that mean the zoo?"
"Yes"
It felt just as good to hear. He he was, perfect in every way. Everything I always SAID I wanted, he was. I told him I was lazy to cook today and he said he wished we lived together because he would never mind cooking for two.
Gulp
Thud thud Thud Thud...
Could it be?
He is older
He is really hot
He has a wonderful body.
He has a heart to match.
He is funny and smart
Takes the time to get to know me
Shy but risk taking
Loves to travel and is extremely athletic.
Great listener.
Likes the sweet and romantic endearing stuff - cuddling and watching movies, hot cocoa.
Says sweet things to me all the time that make me blush
So why hadn't I said it before?
He walks in again just as I begin picking up what is left of my heart...
"Baby, do you still love me?"
...."yes".
Monday, January 9, 2012
Erase you
I tend to be a masochist. I tend to relive the past in vivid detail as to take off the band aid little by little. I think its time to let that go. This time, im going to erase. Start fresh, new country, new name, new identity. Instead of heading straight towards the inner turmoil that rapidly approaches, i dodge the bullet by being ever so busy.
But I dont want to be busy anymore, I simply want to BE.
My ego is feeding a rather sad tale to my body and now its time for my body and my spirit to take it back. This time, nothing will get me down. I wont make my past living, if ...he, is my past it is for a reason....everything is - it's the only thing i know for a fact.
Tonight, I will erase you and awake to new day full of opportunity. Goodbye.
But I dont want to be busy anymore, I simply want to BE.
My ego is feeding a rather sad tale to my body and now its time for my body and my spirit to take it back. This time, nothing will get me down. I wont make my past living, if ...he, is my past it is for a reason....everything is - it's the only thing i know for a fact.
Tonight, I will erase you and awake to new day full of opportunity. Goodbye.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
hurt - unpolished written a week ago as a draft
let it go, thats my wish for me .. next year, blank slate, thats what i need, yup, bring it on world :) love my family, love in general, but stop being this way. Its time to shine brighter than any star, I am a star, and no one will convnce me of that but me. so i have to stop limiting myself. Here we go Doy, get ready for a wild ride but a worthwhile ride. you willl learn who IS worth your time and people that you loved but only used you will realize they truly loved you. The irony. A wild ride awaits you this year my dear Doyel, buckle up. A bumpy ride is may be, but nonetheless i can atleast promise it will be worth it.
edward, my dear edward, my beautiful lover that loves me for me, and yet always makes me fall in love again. Wow... here goes my love story with Aaron.. mmmmmm.... time to find my soulmate. If not its time for new beginnings but stagnation is no longer a feasable option.. pick, choose and keep walking. remember dear Doyel that life is what happens when you are busy making plans and yet the same wisdom is contained within sayings about the contrary..
i am going to leave, start fresh, and its to escape this hurt. Its necessary. It hurts and I cant remain in his limbo anymore. My stomach churns at the thought of Daniel with someone else, and maybe a fresh start is what I need. I keep looking at my options here in Mexico and its.not.love
I dont know know else to put it. I wont EVER fall in love with them they will NEVER have a hold of me the way Daniel did. There are the things that my heart is afrait of admitting but im scared I feel I will never let my heart feel that again. And parts of me telll me that im naive and yet theres another part of me that tells me that a part of me KNOWS that its because of something..
how are you?
What a hard question to answer. Lie? Be honest? Be brief or dwell?
while there is still a fickle flame and a mercurial wind, our chance will exist to reignite that flame.
edward, my dear edward, my beautiful lover that loves me for me, and yet always makes me fall in love again. Wow... here goes my love story with Aaron.. mmmmmm.... time to find my soulmate. If not its time for new beginnings but stagnation is no longer a feasable option.. pick, choose and keep walking. remember dear Doyel that life is what happens when you are busy making plans and yet the same wisdom is contained within sayings about the contrary..
i am going to leave, start fresh, and its to escape this hurt. Its necessary. It hurts and I cant remain in his limbo anymore. My stomach churns at the thought of Daniel with someone else, and maybe a fresh start is what I need. I keep looking at my options here in Mexico and its.not.love
I dont know know else to put it. I wont EVER fall in love with them they will NEVER have a hold of me the way Daniel did. There are the things that my heart is afrait of admitting but im scared I feel I will never let my heart feel that again. And parts of me telll me that im naive and yet theres another part of me that tells me that a part of me KNOWS that its because of something..
how are you?
What a hard question to answer. Lie? Be honest? Be brief or dwell?
while there is still a fickle flame and a mercurial wind, our chance will exist to reignite that flame.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Puzzle Pieces Fitting :)
I love love love reading and trying new meditations :)
Especially when you stumble across worth while. I had been reading about Energy Healing Therapy all day. Determined to try it, I came home and in the hour my dad and my bro went out to eat, I put on some meditation music and began. The process was so cathartic. It was the first of many, I am well aware that the roots of my problem run deep. But it was an amazing step.
What I learned? The root root root is I fear being left. All the way from my infancy when my dad was hardly ever there and yet insisted on making me promises. I repeated that pattern through out my life. I dated guys that would leave. I created situations to make people leave all because of my fear of it. The reason I so desperately want to please people is because I don't want them to leave. The reason I want to be one up on everyone is because I feel like if I am good enough maybe they wont leave. The whole time I did this meditation and even now i have an acute pain right below my rib cage. The whole time I meditated i felt orange energy coming from it, I later learned that it was associated with fire, so that made sense.
Coming out of this trance, for lack of a better word it helped a lot. It brought up a lot of issues but I am sure that with time and meditation I will be able to work through them. I definitely need to clean out my energy. Last year has been repeating itself and that is unimaginable, where is the growth? My new years resolution, a little late but better than never is to clean out my chakras. Energy healing was potentially the most rewarding thing I have tried in a long time. In fact, I think I will continue after I finish this rant.
What I discovered:
But if your Navel Chakra is closed or out of balance, you are paranoid, fear others and can be easily hurt or controlled by someone else. You might also have an internal fear of being rejected by people. You may also have anger management issues, or you aren’t able to think in a rational fashion. You may also have no energy and don’t really care about anything.
In extreme cases it can even lead to diseases like diabetes, pancreatitis, arthritis, ulcers, and hypoglycemia or colon problems.
Lesson:
Everything falls into place. Everything happens for a reason, the universe is beautiful, just simply let it flow. I for one have a lot of growing to do but cant wait, for its the most rewarding journey........
Especially when you stumble across worth while. I had been reading about Energy Healing Therapy all day. Determined to try it, I came home and in the hour my dad and my bro went out to eat, I put on some meditation music and began. The process was so cathartic. It was the first of many, I am well aware that the roots of my problem run deep. But it was an amazing step.
What I learned? The root root root is I fear being left. All the way from my infancy when my dad was hardly ever there and yet insisted on making me promises. I repeated that pattern through out my life. I dated guys that would leave. I created situations to make people leave all because of my fear of it. The reason I so desperately want to please people is because I don't want them to leave. The reason I want to be one up on everyone is because I feel like if I am good enough maybe they wont leave. The whole time I did this meditation and even now i have an acute pain right below my rib cage. The whole time I meditated i felt orange energy coming from it, I later learned that it was associated with fire, so that made sense.
Coming out of this trance, for lack of a better word it helped a lot. It brought up a lot of issues but I am sure that with time and meditation I will be able to work through them. I definitely need to clean out my energy. Last year has been repeating itself and that is unimaginable, where is the growth? My new years resolution, a little late but better than never is to clean out my chakras. Energy healing was potentially the most rewarding thing I have tried in a long time. In fact, I think I will continue after I finish this rant.
What I discovered:
But if your Navel Chakra is closed or out of balance, you are paranoid, fear others and can be easily hurt or controlled by someone else. You might also have an internal fear of being rejected by people. You may also have anger management issues, or you aren’t able to think in a rational fashion. You may also have no energy and don’t really care about anything.
In extreme cases it can even lead to diseases like diabetes, pancreatitis, arthritis, ulcers, and hypoglycemia or colon problems.
Lesson:
Everything falls into place. Everything happens for a reason, the universe is beautiful, just simply let it flow. I for one have a lot of growing to do but cant wait, for its the most rewarding journey........
Monday, January 2, 2012
WILL
here goes, who am i? I am the girl that refuses to let go of her past, but WILL. the girl that thinks she cant but KNOWS she can... the girl that WILL.
The girl that was too much, the girl no one thought would ever be stable, but WILL. The girl that no one expected to be happy but WILL...
WILL DO
WILL ASPIRE
WILL WISH
WILL ACHIEVE
dont worry about me, for i will be fine. Its about dissapearing, and reappeariing as new. No i wont be here, and i pray the universe will never put you in my path again, thanks for existing, but its time to move on, edu, te amo y a ti no aplica. jules dobby, see you see, and HA! i was right!!
The girl that was too much, the girl no one thought would ever be stable, but WILL. The girl that no one expected to be happy but WILL...
WILL DO
WILL ASPIRE
WILL WISH
WILL ACHIEVE
dont worry about me, for i will be fine. Its about dissapearing, and reappeariing as new. No i wont be here, and i pray the universe will never put you in my path again, thanks for existing, but its time to move on, edu, te amo y a ti no aplica. jules dobby, see you see, and HA! i was right!!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Christmas
my hurt, that still hurts
fuck this holiday
fuck everything with it
it makes me want to push away, be me, just leave it all behind. And yet, my brother makes me human. itmakes me real. In a world of hurt and pain i find comfort and solice. chess..a vault of secrets and pleasures cowards and courageous all acting a part, shot, shot shot... SHOT ser feliz.
fuck this holiday
fuck everything with it
it makes me want to push away, be me, just leave it all behind. And yet, my brother makes me human. itmakes me real. In a world of hurt and pain i find comfort and solice. chess..a vault of secrets and pleasures cowards and courageous all acting a part, shot, shot shot... SHOT ser feliz.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Dreams
You know when you have one of those dreams that leaves a sour taste in your mouth? You wake up and until its confirmed that it wasnt simply a dream you remain stagnant within a nightmare. The day seems to drag on as you try and cope with the weights in your mind.
Images, clear images of a masochistic mind. Why do we have these tendencies? Incessantly we attract all the negative thoughts and are ever so quick to forget the good. Is it human nature to picture all the different scenarios?
I dreamt of sex, of lust and passion. There was so ounce of love in my dream just simply a sweaty yearning desire for flesh. Lights flashed, music roared and bodies moaned. Wonderful right? Yet i was simply an observer. I peered through open doors to watch the debauchery between the one guy I truly love and random women. Yes, women, plural, more than one, each caressing his body with their hands, their breasts, their thighs. Enveloping his body with an innate animal instinct - pleasure.
He played with their lust, engaged each girl with his piercing eyes and seemlessly orchestrated a beautiful harmony. What a weird sensation, no matter how much it hurt, the weight in my heart was paralizing. I felt as the life literally vanished from my eyes and was replaced with a defeated aftermaths of a shattered heart.
If only I could make him look at me.
If only he would turn and see how each thrust of his hips he simply plunges his knife deeper into my heart.
This is it, that culminating point of unbearable pain. The irony of this stage is that it reaches a level where the body has to shut off. The heart implores the mind to disconnect before it implodes. As the impulse rages through my body I feel myself tumble and gasp as a solitary tear grazes my face. The sounds drown out and is replaced by a constant buzz. The colors recede out and vanish alongside the tear.
Numb.
Defeated.
You watch silently as waves of pleasure overpower his body and leave his mind blank momentarily.
The irony - for a brief second you feel connected with him, empathic in his blankness.
His body begins to relax and emotions return to his face. He is calm and composed as am I; regardless of the inner turmoil. I try catch his eye but its futile, I am nearly invisible now. All along he thought I waited patiently in the room across the hall. He dresses and heads for the door.
I sprint across the door and open the door to the break of dawn.
Awake again and yet dragging the weight of a dream, patiently awaiting confirmation of my biggest fear - numbly floating through existence.
Images, clear images of a masochistic mind. Why do we have these tendencies? Incessantly we attract all the negative thoughts and are ever so quick to forget the good. Is it human nature to picture all the different scenarios?
I dreamt of sex, of lust and passion. There was so ounce of love in my dream just simply a sweaty yearning desire for flesh. Lights flashed, music roared and bodies moaned. Wonderful right? Yet i was simply an observer. I peered through open doors to watch the debauchery between the one guy I truly love and random women. Yes, women, plural, more than one, each caressing his body with their hands, their breasts, their thighs. Enveloping his body with an innate animal instinct - pleasure.
He played with their lust, engaged each girl with his piercing eyes and seemlessly orchestrated a beautiful harmony. What a weird sensation, no matter how much it hurt, the weight in my heart was paralizing. I felt as the life literally vanished from my eyes and was replaced with a defeated aftermaths of a shattered heart.
If only I could make him look at me.
If only he would turn and see how each thrust of his hips he simply plunges his knife deeper into my heart.
This is it, that culminating point of unbearable pain. The irony of this stage is that it reaches a level where the body has to shut off. The heart implores the mind to disconnect before it implodes. As the impulse rages through my body I feel myself tumble and gasp as a solitary tear grazes my face. The sounds drown out and is replaced by a constant buzz. The colors recede out and vanish alongside the tear.
Numb.
Defeated.
You watch silently as waves of pleasure overpower his body and leave his mind blank momentarily.
The irony - for a brief second you feel connected with him, empathic in his blankness.
His body begins to relax and emotions return to his face. He is calm and composed as am I; regardless of the inner turmoil. I try catch his eye but its futile, I am nearly invisible now. All along he thought I waited patiently in the room across the hall. He dresses and heads for the door.
I sprint across the door and open the door to the break of dawn.
Awake again and yet dragging the weight of a dream, patiently awaiting confirmation of my biggest fear - numbly floating through existence.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Weird
I feel weird today. Like nothing is the way it is meant to be. Like for some weird reason I am sitting at the same desk, wearing the same jacket, doing the same thing I have been doing for the last month and yet, I seem so blaze about it. Everything seems dull today, the colors dont shine as bright and I feel really disheartened. I have been ready quotes all morning trying to find a ray of light:
We cant control the wind, we can adjust the sail.
Maybe its just one of those days, where nothing seems to be going how I had wanted it to. I guess what it boils down to is that I feel like I dont fit. So maybe its time to adjust MY sail. Changes need to be made, I am aware of that sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to endure. Well, school is nearly over - I have two online classes left. Work is nearly over. I feel there are many endings approaching and endings that I am not happy about it.
I guess I wish I was significant enough to leave footprints. I always wanted that. To help someone, to make someones life better. When I look at the state of my life at the moment, I am nothing but a world of hurt that goes out to hurt the world in return. I want to feel loved more than anything, accepted, wanted. A shred of hope that if for some reason reason my wish came true and I magically dissapeared that it wouldnt go unnoticed.
We cant control the wind, we can adjust the sail.
Maybe its just one of those days, where nothing seems to be going how I had wanted it to. I guess what it boils down to is that I feel like I dont fit. So maybe its time to adjust MY sail. Changes need to be made, I am aware of that sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to endure. Well, school is nearly over - I have two online classes left. Work is nearly over. I feel there are many endings approaching and endings that I am not happy about it.
I guess I wish I was significant enough to leave footprints. I always wanted that. To help someone, to make someones life better. When I look at the state of my life at the moment, I am nothing but a world of hurt that goes out to hurt the world in return. I want to feel loved more than anything, accepted, wanted. A shred of hope that if for some reason reason my wish came true and I magically dissapeared that it wouldnt go unnoticed.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Never Have I Ever
I cant quiet explain it, or maybe I can. I CHOOSE not to. This time, everything in my life is secret. No one, absolutely no one in this world knows enough about me to know anything. There is no one who knows all of me, and with the little I tell people about me, they cant think bad about me. I show what I want. I feel things, wow. I see things, wow. Its opening up to a new way of being and at this very moment, its all perfection. Its beautiful music, orchestrated madness. I feel enveloped in a sense of security, what are these new sensations? Intrigued by fire, willing to get burned by my senses. It fell into place so effortlessly and suddenly, as if by magic, I had become a mystery. Its easy to be happy with people when you dont have to deal with too much of them. My focus becomes to make their day happier, put a smile on THEIR face.
Note to self : make time for your girlfriends, they love you. I have been neglectful of so many people, I am aware. But i feel that this was a road I had to travel and travel alone. The sad thing is I'm not sure the mysterious girl will ever let her guards down. I am ready to take it to the next level, each day is an adventure, and yes, maybe I WILL document it, before each day becomes a blur, when the last few weeks of my life have been everything but. I have heard words that sting, that heal, that cause yearning, passion, lust and desire. Ive taste freedom, security and understanding. I have found strength within me and weakness without. I feel I have been too clear already in a matter yet so obscure to many.
Sometimes I wonder why I dont share, am I embarrassed? Or is it simple a personal phase of mine, where I know what people would think and regardless I wouldnt change a thing about my perfect life <3 :)
International Women of Mystery :P :D
Note to self : make time for your girlfriends, they love you. I have been neglectful of so many people, I am aware. But i feel that this was a road I had to travel and travel alone. The sad thing is I'm not sure the mysterious girl will ever let her guards down. I am ready to take it to the next level, each day is an adventure, and yes, maybe I WILL document it, before each day becomes a blur, when the last few weeks of my life have been everything but. I have heard words that sting, that heal, that cause yearning, passion, lust and desire. Ive taste freedom, security and understanding. I have found strength within me and weakness without. I feel I have been too clear already in a matter yet so obscure to many.
Sometimes I wonder why I dont share, am I embarrassed? Or is it simple a personal phase of mine, where I know what people would think and regardless I wouldnt change a thing about my perfect life <3 :)
International Women of Mystery :P :D
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Mental Note
Brainwash route # 233313
outcome: unknown
Message: free from the invisible bonds of the relationship.
Outcome: hypothesis is controlled regularized desensitization.
Um, ewww, but necessary and terminal.
Side Effects : None if seen from the "cured" side. Although it is also claimed to induce a numbness, patients tend to lack clear understanding of the contrary - emotional.
...1, 2, 3... JUMP!!! :( (one last tear before I bid thee adieu)............
(sigh)
Let go.
outcome: unknown
Message: free from the invisible bonds of the relationship.
Outcome: hypothesis is controlled regularized desensitization.
Um, ewww, but necessary and terminal.
Side Effects : None if seen from the "cured" side. Although it is also claimed to induce a numbness, patients tend to lack clear understanding of the contrary - emotional.
...1, 2, 3... JUMP!!! :( (one last tear before I bid thee adieu)............
(sigh)
Let go.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Far - I wanna make you happy :)
woow im flooded with love for him, like wow, and this very moment, wooow. im in bliss., the crazy tight rope between bliss and heartache, because it cripples my heart to think he is so far away, and yet it thrills me to know that I CAN have that bond. I dont know why life does this to be honest. Supposedly, according to one theory, that i dont really agree with, a soul mate would be too intense to spend the rest of your life with, instead they are their for brief periods of time, at the right moment to teach you the perfect lesson. Once that is achieved, they leave. So what was his purpose? He gets me. Its weird for someone to get me. To know EXACTLY how to make me smile. Sometimes he has to push me into it. He KNOWS I HATE loading videos, and hardly ever do. But sometimes hes all sweet and insistent. So I cave to the thought of endearing heart. I watch the video and to my surprise and yet somehow not, i realize that OBVIOUSLY he was going to send me that. THAT one PERFECT song that makes you warm up from the inside out, that the beat flows, that you get lost in the words and how they blend into a human symphony. You are lost, freely letting your soul meander for it self, its beautiful. How could it not have made sense before? Of course it was... :)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Mature Bipolarity?
What if LIFE is bipolar?
1) Weather, you need the rain and you need the summer.
2) love, you need fights
3) sex, love and lust, passion.
4) success and failure?
Maybe bipolar is having a complete understanding of both, and therefore thats what creates the feelings of enlightenment and yet the feelings of utter insanity.
1) Weather, you need the rain and you need the summer.
2) love, you need fights
3) sex, love and lust, passion.
4) success and failure?
Maybe bipolar is having a complete understanding of both, and therefore thats what creates the feelings of enlightenment and yet the feelings of utter insanity.
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