Christmas

my hurt, that still hurts
fuck this holiday
fuck everything with it
it makes me want to push away, be me, just leave it all behind. And yet, my brother makes me human. itmakes me real. In a world of hurt and pain i find comfort and solice. chess..a vault of secrets and pleasures cowards and courageous all acting a part, shot, shot shot... SHOT ser feliz.

Dreams

You know when you have one of those dreams that leaves a sour taste in your mouth? You wake up and until its confirmed that it wasnt simply a dream you remain stagnant within a nightmare. The day seems to drag on as you try and cope with the weights in your mind.

Images, clear images of a masochistic mind. Why do we have these tendencies? Incessantly we attract all the negative thoughts and are ever so quick to forget the good. Is it human nature to picture all the different scenarios?

I dreamt of sex, of lust and passion. There was so ounce of love in my dream just simply a sweaty yearning desire for flesh. Lights flashed, music roared and bodies moaned. Wonderful right? Yet i was simply an observer. I peered through open doors to watch the debauchery between the one guy I truly love and random women. Yes, women, plural, more than one, each caressing his body with their hands, their breasts, their thighs. Enveloping his body with an innate animal instinct - pleasure.


He played with their lust, engaged each girl with his piercing eyes and seemlessly orchestrated a beautiful harmony. What a weird sensation, no matter how much it hurt, the weight in my heart was paralizing. I felt as the life literally vanished from my eyes and was replaced with a defeated aftermaths of a shattered heart.
If only I could make him look at me.
If only he would turn and see how each thrust of his hips he simply plunges his knife deeper into my heart.
This is it, that culminating point of unbearable pain. The irony of this stage is that it reaches a level where the body has to shut off. The heart implores the mind to disconnect before it implodes. As the impulse rages through my body I feel myself tumble and gasp as a solitary tear grazes my face. The sounds drown out and is replaced by a constant buzz. The colors recede out and vanish alongside the tear.

Numb.
Defeated.
You watch silently as waves of pleasure overpower his body and leave his mind blank momentarily.

The irony - for a brief second you feel connected with him, empathic in his blankness.

His body begins to relax and emotions return to his face. He is calm and composed as am I; regardless of the inner turmoil. I try catch his eye but its futile, I am nearly invisible now. All along he thought I waited patiently in the room across the hall. He dresses and heads for the door.
I sprint across the door and open the door to the break of dawn.
Awake again and yet dragging the weight of a dream, patiently awaiting confirmation of my biggest fear - numbly floating through existence.

Weird

I feel weird today. Like nothing is the way it is meant to be. Like for some weird reason I am sitting at the same desk, wearing the same jacket, doing the same thing I have been doing for the last month and yet, I seem so blaze about it. Everything seems dull today, the colors dont shine as bright and I feel really disheartened. I have been ready quotes all morning trying to find a ray of light:

We cant control the wind, we can adjust the sail.


Maybe its just one of those days, where nothing seems to be going how I had wanted it to. I guess what it boils down to is that I feel like I dont fit. So maybe its time to adjust MY sail. Changes need to be made, I am aware of that sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to endure. Well, school is nearly over - I have two online classes left. Work is nearly over. I feel there are many endings approaching and endings that I am not happy about it.

I guess I wish I was significant enough to leave footprints. I always wanted that. To help someone, to make someones life better. When I look at the state of my life at the moment, I am nothing but a world of hurt that goes out to hurt the world in return. I want to feel loved more than anything, accepted, wanted. A shred of hope that if for some reason reason my wish came true and I magically dissapeared that it wouldnt go unnoticed.

Never Have I Ever

I cant quiet explain it, or maybe I can. I CHOOSE not to. This time, everything in my life is secret. No one, absolutely no one in this world knows enough about me to know anything. There is no one who knows all of me, and with the little I tell people about me, they cant think bad about me. I show what I want. I feel things, wow. I see things, wow. Its opening up to a new way of being and at this very moment, its all perfection. Its beautiful music, orchestrated madness. I feel enveloped in a sense of security, what are these new sensations? Intrigued by fire, willing to get burned by my senses. It fell into place so effortlessly and suddenly, as if by magic, I had become a mystery. Its easy to be happy with people when you dont have to deal with too much of them. My focus becomes to make their day happier, put a smile on THEIR face.
Note to self : make time for your girlfriends, they love you. I have been neglectful of so many people, I am aware. But i feel that this was a road I had to travel and travel alone. The  sad thing is I'm not sure the mysterious girl will ever let her guards down. I am ready to take it to the next level, each day is an adventure, and yes, maybe I WILL document it, before each day becomes a blur, when the last few weeks of my life have been everything but. I have heard words that sting, that heal, that cause yearning, passion, lust and desire. Ive taste freedom, security and understanding. I have found strength within me and weakness without. I feel I have been too clear already in a matter yet so obscure to many.
Sometimes I wonder why I dont share, am I embarrassed? Or is it simple a personal phase of mine, where I know what people would think and regardless I wouldnt change a thing about my perfect life <3 :)

International Women of Mystery :P :D

Mental Note

Brainwash route # 233313

outcome: unknown
Message: free from the invisible bonds of the relationship.
Outcome: hypothesis is controlled regularized desensitization.
Um, ewww, but necessary and terminal.
Side Effects : None if seen from the "cured" side. Although it is also claimed to induce a numbness, patients tend to lack clear understanding of the contrary - emotional.


...1, 2, 3... JUMP!!! :( (one last tear before I bid thee adieu)............


(sigh)


Let go.

Far - I wanna make you happy :)

woow im flooded with love for him, like wow, and this very moment, wooow. im in bliss., the crazy tight rope between bliss and heartache, because it cripples my heart to think he is so far away, and yet it thrills me to know that I CAN have that bond. I dont know why life does this to be honest. Supposedly, according to one theory, that i dont really agree with, a soul mate would be too intense to spend the rest of your life with, instead they are their for brief periods of time, at the right moment to teach you the perfect lesson. Once that is achieved, they leave. So what was his purpose? He gets me. Its weird for someone to get me. To know EXACTLY how to make me smile. Sometimes he has to push me into it. He KNOWS I HATE loading videos, and hardly ever do. But sometimes hes all sweet and insistent. So I cave to the thought of endearing heart. I watch the video and to my surprise and yet somehow not, i realize that OBVIOUSLY he was going to send me that. THAT one PERFECT song that makes you warm up from the inside out, that the beat flows, that you get lost in the words and how they blend into a human symphony. You are lost, freely letting your soul meander for it self, its beautiful. How could it not have made sense before? Of course it was... :)

Mature Bipolarity?

What if LIFE is bipolar?
1) Weather, you need the rain and you need the summer.
2) love, you need fights
3) sex, love and lust, passion.
4) success and failure?
Maybe bipolar is having a complete understanding of both, and therefore thats what creates the feelings of enlightenment and yet the feelings of utter insanity.

Not your Toy

No, I am not a lady. I am NOT the definition of a LADY, a PROPER LADY. I am eccentric, impulsive, feelings driven and a free spirit. YES! But what part of that DIDNT you know? What part of that was I busy hiding?
NONE!
Dont sit here and play the martyr, you aren't!
I am SICK of hearing that you want to live with LOVE and compassion and all that when you arent able to EXTEND HUMAN COMPASSION TO ME!!!
I am NOT another girl. I am YOUR EXGIRFRIEND!! that you HAPPEN to be in love with! Or maybe thats just an illusion my mind plays on me sometimes, because a guy in love, does not disregard the fucking yo yo he can be to her heart!!
STOP CHANGING YOUR MIND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you fucked up, well too bad. Sadly, I feel like you did. But oh well, thus is life.
your family things that i am sitting here trying to manipulate you when that is NOT the case. Manipulation is you struggling with your own thoughts of wanting to be with me, if you want to, why arent you? Why does it embarrass you to miss me? What, or more like WHO are you fighting?
You talk about letting it flow, loving and all this stuff, but you wont let yourself.
Yes, you ARE lost.

23 - another draft from a couple months back, reminiscing, unfinished

i talked to a ...friend today. he is two years younger than me and about to be 23 on Friday. The conversation may me realize how much two years can change you. I felt compelled to recede into memories of myself when I turned 23 and realized that maybe its just a really common phenomenon. Your life begins to change, and you feel maturity and knowledge calling you by name but its easy to let go and fall into your hedonistic pleasures.
You cant hang out with younger people anymore, cause they bore you. You dont completely FIT with older people and their problems are hard for you to relate to. Stuck. Between two worlds. Scared to move but KNOWING that things have to change. Major change! Hurtful change, but necessary change.
When I turned 23, Aaron called me, and brought my world to shambles. I thought i was over him, but evidently I wasnt. I didnt want to go back to the states WITHOUT him. My parents MADE me go, and I was a zombie for a month. I got drunk, I got high, I went out and did EVERYTHING to just forget. I made friends with a "gay" guy and hung out with him all the time cause I felt safe. And then I met Ricky. For some reason, I would see him and my world would light up, I wanted to smile :) He made me feel warm inside and so at home. He said he never understood why he saw me kissing one of his friends the week before, and had never met me, but he got jealous, had to leave the party. This would make me digress onto another story, but regardless, I had told that guy I didnt want to continue and he went crazy, but regardless. He was a strong strong contender to my heart. I was holding back though, because I didnt feel ready to love, I wasnt over Aaron yet. We clicked from the first day we met, but we met two days after he broke up with his five year girlfriend, and three months after i broke up with my three  year boyfriend. I told him I didnt want a rebound.
And I didnt want to be HIS rebound either.
It didnt matter.
We clicked.
We hung out every day and he would sleep over and we would watch movies and go out and make new friends and truly LIVE. We gave each other confidence and we were inseparable. In MY head, there was no way to explain this but simply equate it with LOVE. I thought i was in LOVE with Ricky. we had a bond, and it was amazing, we could talk on the phone for hours, or we could lie on my bed and cuddle. We could simple BE in the same room, me dancing, him playing video games, we could make love, he could play drums and i would feel his heart pulse through me. I truly thought that THAT was love. So I pushed him away. I wasnt ready and I felt like I would simply fall. I wasnt ready to fall again! :(
I started hanging out with the Frat boys again, they cared about me but it was different. I didnt feel the connection I did with Ricky with these guys. One night after hanging out with some Frat boys, I come home talking to Jimmy on the phone. We are both drunk and just making sure we get home fine. He tells me he loves me and I tell him I love him too but that I am scared that I will never find love. And he told me that that is because I was more in love with traveling than finding true love. I asked him why I couldnt have them both. He said it was pretty black or white.
...
I gave up hope. I just wanted to have fun. Enjoy my time in the States but knowing that it will never truly lead anywhere. I finally began to open up to new ideas. Drugs? Sure!
I remember the scene clearly. Courtney and Mike sitting opposite me and Ricky. Red Dog Bar and Cafe, we were all going to a concert. I wasnt too excited about it but I had Ricky so it would all be fine. Mike convinces Ricky to take acid and I wanted to be whereever Ricky was, so I agreed too.
we start tripping, crazy trip but I wont go into details. At one point, Ricky walks into the room. I was lying on the bed, rolling around, cause I liked how it felt against me. He lay on the bed beside me. I lay next to him, unable to touch him, both of us simply staring into the ceiling. we talked. I told him how I missed Mexico, that I needed someone to speak spanish with. (he spent the rest of our relationship learning spanish and teaching ME about reggae-ton) :) I opened up to him and then I wanted to know about him. I got on his back and offered to give him a massage
He accepted.
I got on top of his lower back and began asking him about HIM. what were HIS dreams and aspirations before he had met Rose, his ex. What had he comprimised that he no longer needed to?
He got all shy and turned away. "we'll" he began, " I always wanted to travel the world, see the world with someone". I was in shock. In utter disbelief. Had he HEARD my conversation? Read it? Impossible! Yet what I had chosen to give up on, was standing before me as live incarnate proof.
Quick! Higher walls! Systems failing! ALERT! ALERT!

"Did you read my phone messages?"
"no."

Puzzled. He said EXACTLY what i wanted to hear. I was in bliss. I thought I had found my life partner. I still wanted to take it slow until one day I was simply bursting love. I changed my facebook status to "ready for the fall <3"  KNOWING that he was a social networks geek such as myself, he quickly replied to the message in text.

" Ready for the fall? May I remind you, we are in November, or are you talking about a different fall?"

to which I replied

" A different type of fall"

He quickly responded with

" Falling, or have you already fell?"

" Put it this way, I am on the edge, looking down, waiting for someone to push me"
"Im not going to push you"

..............

My heart sunk.



Gasp. I had created and masterminded my own illusion!

..........
One new message
Ricky
"we'll jump together"


My heart was bursting of happiness. I thought I was finally going to live out my "happily ever after".
It didnt take long for me to realize that I shouldnt have been in that relationship. I wasnt over Aaron. He was the main reason I liked going out and forgetting. My mind would ALWAYS drift to what he was doing, where he was, with who. I missed him and wished he was missing me too.
I finally said yes to Ricky in November, late November. In December he whisked me away to NYC for a romantic weekend, then had an anxiety attack and left me alone on Christmas. Only to come over later with our best male friend and put on a boyband production just to let me have a good christmas. They organized a Reggae party to see me smile. :)
Life was looking up, until Aaron came back into the picture. He found my number and called me. I didnt answer. Then a text message. I didnt answer, but eventually knew I would when I was enebriated.

The messages and the texts are  more sporadic, both of us say random things to each other, sometimes flirty sometimes friendly. we are pushing each others buttons.
Valentines day.
My Favourite Day
I am ready for big surprises and for my boyfriend to WOW me. instead I get Ricky asking for permission to go to a poker tournament. He left and I sent him a mean message that all of them would come back to empty houses for forgetting valentines day!
anyway, i was not in the best of moods with Ricky. the next day we had tickets to a Rebelution concert. I was DYING to go. I got all dressed up for the occasion and hoped that Ricky would make it all better.
We danced and we were connecting. It was magical. He could move his hips like me and I loved feeling every beat together.
The band threw a CD into the audience and ricky caught it. It seemed like magic. the next song, my girlfriends grabbed me and askedme to dance, I went to Dance with them. When I got back, Ricky wasnt there, but it was ok cause I was engulfed with the vibe of the concert. I danced for a while until I felt my energy connection click back into dance mode. I kissed him passionately and he grabbed my waist and pushed something against me. He told me it was for me. WOW! He told me to look inside, a SIGNED Rebelution CD that was THROWN into the audience and has my name in it?!?! I WAS IN HEAVEN!
I wanted to get home and make love to my boyfriend all night. the minute he walked through my door, he said "this relationship isnt going to work, we are through" and stormed out of the house. it made no sense to me. I stood there in shock. I tried calling him, no answer.
Then a text.
Aaron:
Hey! Hope you had a wonderful valientines day with your BOYFRIEND!

Doyel:
What boyfriend?

Aaron:
No boyfriend? Youre all alone on valentines day, why dont you come over?

I got on my bike and went over. Ricky called incessantly after 5 am and left voice messages. I rolled over from the bed and heard one of them. Ricky sobbing for me to take him back and come home. He said that no matter where I was, he would come and get me. He just wanted me to be close.
I cried.
Aaron turns over and tells me to go back to bed. I tell him he HAS to take me back to my house. he says he has no intention of getting his ass beaten. That I should wait for the morning and that I can bike over to my house. I call my best friend.

Marie! I need  you to say I spent the night at your house.
Doy! I spent the night at yours, ok?
Ok. I love you.
I love you too.

It was all set. I went home and I talked to Ricky. Things were meant to be fine.
But the guilt was eating me up inside. I felt like i had cheated and in essence, I had. I had cheated myself!
I would try and tell myself that he broke up with me and therefore I was single, but it didnt help with the guilt.
I told a so called "friend" of mine about what had happened.
I get a text from Aaron
"if you dont tell him what happened, I WILL!"

arrogant arrogant man! I tried reasoning with him be he was convinced that it was the "right" thing to do.
I hesitantly agreed but was looking for how to do it.
Ricky invites me over to his house.

He lives about an hour away from my house by car, so I enjoy going there and getting away from the world.
When we get there, we eat, get comfy in his room and he sits me down on a chair. I am nervous.
He hits down infront of me and starts telling me how a relationship is based on trust, and that he thinks we have a good relationship. If we truly do, i should be able to be honest with him. That he was giving me the chance to say whatever i wanted knowing that it would be safe.

No Lies

Lets not lie. I love him. I love him with every fiber of my being. And no one compares :S Why am i living to supress my heart?! Sunday :)

Hedonism

The word, that I had been looking for for so long, it finally makes sense. Hedonism, the path of pure pleasure, self gratification and self beyond other. I got a taste on Saturday, and its so magnetic, there is poesy to it. A world in which sometimes I can fit so carelessly.
And then  I feel so disconnected spiritually. I let it go, and get engulfed in hedonistic pleasures. I am trying to look beyond wrong and right but why does it feel so wrong? He haunts me, I see him and something I could have done so effortless earlier, I can no longer do. I dont get why. Its like a wall, where I see images, of me and Daniel, in passion, in love, in sex, in lust, in us. I wish he would let me go. He doesnt want me, and thats a realization that is painful enough, must I really bare  a string that holds me to him? I felt like I cut it on Sunday, cause it was too painful. Then why? Why can he still sense me? Know me so completely? I feel like if he is connected I might miss out on meaningful connections. I dont want life to pass me by while I sit idly waiting for a love.
Yesterday I was comforted by a friend that made me realize that guys like me DO exist. I want to find them, I want to feel like I am not weird for FEELING the music, letting the lyrics speak its poetry through my body. I want to my heart a home, but one where its wanted, not torn to shreds.

21st Centry Midnight in Paris

Have you ever seen Midnight in Paris, with Owen Wilson? I highly recommend the movie but I digress. The main plot is about a writer that goes away on a vacation to Paris. At midnight each night, an old car transports him to different times filled with all the most creative minds of the time. Monet, Dali, writers, philosophers, even Hemingway. The point is, I LIVED this last night.
I was with the a producer with exceptional eye to detail, an artist with a unique sense of space, a rapper with the most divine messages of the universe, a poet that strung his words so beautifully, a DJ that made his emotions pulse through your veins, a teacher who had the most beautiful heart that couldn't help but shine. It was magical to simply be in a room with such booming talent and creativity. I was blown away. It made me feel proud to be living in the present, in the moment.
The rapper made me cry with how much truth he spoke. The poet made me laugh with how witty he could be. The producer inspired me to believe that Mexico CAN compete globally. The artist captivated me with layers and textures so surreal and yet to vivid. The teacher attracted me and warmed my heart. The DJ captivated me with beats that resonated in my soul. It was bliss. The conversation switched so effortlessly from English to Spanish and back that it was simply soul speaking. Whatever the heart wanted to express in the form it wanted to express it.
I need to find more groups like that. I looked around and everyone shared a sense of oneness that was overwhelming. I felt the room was exploding with creativity and light. It was beautiful. I heard the wayseers video and THIS was where I had found that conclusion. "this is your calling wayseer, you've found your tribe, welcome home".
I don't know if this idea will stay or if its as ephemeral as air but at that moment, that is how I felt. And that moment was all that there was.

Dream

Wow, what a crazy dream
It started off on a field, and I was with Eben. And I lost my shoes, both pairs of shoes. But everyone told me to look for them later. When we came back, there were huge machines everywhere. And I couldn't find both my shoes, they were collecting all the shoes on the field, and pushing them to a side with these machines. Eben took me to a room and held me from behind and licked my face and then my ear. The ear felt good, but I couldnt figure out why.
Suddenly I was in a huge zocalo. I was with two girls I had never seen before but I was comfortable with them. They seemed like acquiantaces. There was also a little girl, and she was frustrating. We walked by an earing stand, and i stopped to look at all the pretty things. I liked two pairs of earing, and I remember them vividly, hoops with beaitiful threads on the inside. Katie Spendel was there and she was talking to the lady in the store. I remembered I had 50 pesos and I could buy these gorgeous earing. I went  back and they werent there. I was confused. The little girl ran past me and she had them in her hands. I asked her if she had paid for them and she said no. So I grabbed her by the hand and took her to the store owner. I told her that i would buy them for her. She got mad and started to wiggle out of my grasp. Then she headbutted me right between the rib cage. I fell. I was out of air and I cried. I got up and I told her that that wasnt nice. Suddenly I was in a different part of the same zocalo. With these huge metal gates. I had walked through them before. I had no idea where the little girl was, and I got nervous. I walked through one of the metal gates and the other one shut. There was a guard on each side, but I tried to get them to notice me. The other gate briefly opened. A women walked in. I remember her vividly, and it wasnt Daniel's mom, but I had made that connection.
She sat that this had to stop. That I simply meddle in business thats not mine. That I have to understand that its not that they hate me, but I have to see how much damage I am causing. That I had hurt that poor little girl and that was just crossing the line. I was getting claustraphobic, and I asked if we could continue this talk outside the gates. She said that I have to understand that there are superior authorities at work, and this time, they wanted revenge. That I would have to understand that this time, it HAD to be like this. I cried. Itzel walked in. I was surprised to see her, and smiled. She didnt look pleased. She asked the lady if she had addressed the "Mia" situation. I was so confused. I felt attacked, like everything was wrong and no one was seeing it my side. Itzel told the lady to be quick and get done what she had to. The lady was calm, she lit a cigarette and started to tell me that I had to pay, and that it would hurt her, cause she never disliked me. She said i was an unfortunate case but that i had to be punished, everything I touched, I destroyed. I got a message from Mia. It said that you for your beautiful words, and I will see you tonight. I burst into tears again. I didnt know if I would ever see anyone again and the thought killed me. I thought I was going to die in there, and everyone would simply think that it was for the best.  I accepted my fate, she came closer and began to suffocate me. I stood there, not wanting to cause pain anymore. I cried and I cried. And then i woke up.

I miss you

I woke up today and I really missed you. I don't know why. I have to splatter a huge smile on my face and just get on with it, I realize that. I just wish it wasn't so hard. Some days are good and others are horrible. Why today when I have so much to do, must it be this hard? I am scared of taking my ipod, some songs make me happy and then suddenly a song comes on that reminds me of you and I break. I got to stop being so fragile.

My Will - Greengates Style

Have you ever seen that box in facebook, in my myspace, in whatever account you choose with "about me". I find those the hardest to figure out, I had to write an "About Me" that was honest, what would it say? If instead of the happy, perfect self that everyone tries to proyect, what would it say if it was just honest? The good, the bad and the ugly?
Makes me wonder what mine would say.
I used to have a project every year, that I would do that. I would do that as well as follow the Greengates Highschool code, I would write a "will" which encompassed thank you's for people who had been important to me in that year. So today I need to do both.
Lets do it in lists, maybe this will make me more grateful

Family

Papa: I love you, thank you for showing me what it means to never give up on people. You have a spark for life, you shine and you make people fall in love. You hate a lot about you because you felt like you never lived up, but for what it counts, I have always and will always think you are perfect. You are a hurt soul and I wish I could do more to shine light into your life like you do with mine. You have a heart of gold and  you hold your heart out on your sleeve and its beautiful. You love. And thats more than enough for me.

Doab : You have lived so much pain and you keep it in and I have always tried to show you that regardless, I will always be there for you. I am sorry I fail you time and time again. I know you have had the burden of being the older more mature sibling, but I love you with every fiber of my being. You shy away from the world and as much as I admire that, I wish you wouldnt. We were born different and there is so much I have and continue to learn about you but I wish you opened up your heart more. I brag about how much you CAN love, in a way that I envy. But you are so selective, why? I wish you knew how amazing you truly are. How smart you are, how strong you are, and I admire you, but I wish you knew that you have me to hold you and tell you everything is ok when you are hurting, I love you more than anyone in this world.

Mama: My pillar, my ultimate fan. Thank you for being so strong, for being the image of a woman. For making me strong even when I felt like i couldnt. For seeing a light in me even when I felt worn out and weak. For loving me unconditionally and accepting me as I am.

Breath Me by Sia

HELP, I HAVE DONE IT AGAIN
I HAVE BEEN HERE MANY TIMES BEFORE
HURT MYSELF AGAIN TODAY
AND THE WORST PART IS THERES NO ONE ELSE TO BLAME

BE MY FRIEND
HOLD ME, WRAP ME UP
UNFOLD ME, I AM SMALL AND NEEDY
WARM ME UP AND BREATHE ME

OUCH, I HAVE LOST MYSELF AGAIN
Letras4U.com » letras traducidas al español
LOST MYSELF AND I AM NOWHERE TO BE FOUND
YEAH, I THINK I MIGHT BREAK
LOST MYSELF AGAIN AND I FEEL UNSAFE

BE MY FRIEND
HOLD ME, WRAP ME UP
UNFOLD ME, I AM SMALL AND NEEDY
WARM ME UP AND BREATHE ME

BE MY FRIEND
HOLD ME, WRAP ME UP
UNFOLD ME, I AM SMALL AND NEEDY
WARM ME UP AND BREATHE ME

 

sometimes you hear something that just, wow. It encompasses you. I feel less than good enough,for every time that i have opened up my heart and soul it has been broken down and throw at me in the face. I learned so much today, painfully true but real. I hear this song and all i want to do is run to the two guys that have pushed me away more than anyone else. Why am I bursting of sadness again? I was fine, beyond fine. My body feels weak, and I feel lost yet again. Spirituality is calling me and yet i feel this desire in me to push it away. Whats inside me? Maybe I am this evil manipulative girl by nature, what the world always thinks of me, i feel defeated. And i just want to be in the arms of someone that already knows me, i dont want to go through all of this again. 

Everyone Says

Sometimes I wonder who actually knows me BUT me.
I feel like everyone wants the best for me, but I dont know what that even means anymore. I "should" be happy, I would be "stupid" to let this guy go. That's all I hear. I hear how if I don't cease this opportunity I would be letting go for the "best thing that ever happened to me". If there is one thing I learned from Daniel is that I will NEVER ever ever let people dictate MY life. I have to figure out MY path for me. So why then? Here are all these people that love me telling me that THIS is the guy for me. And I look at him, and he is nice, he is respectful, he opens car doors for me, we have fun, but what about that spark?
He could never break my heart, cause I guess I could never give it to him. He could never share that connection I had with Daniel. I am confused. Why does my mom tell me to give him a shot? Why are my friends so in love with him? I think about how I wanted Di to be with Aldo. I look at their relationship from the outside, not as the connection, but how he treats her. He treats her with love and respect and I am glad. But is that a good enough reason to be with someone? He listens to her and so does this guy, he listens to me. But his advice, I just don't agree. He knows me so well but just the parts I care to show him. He can read me so well as my friends say, but can he really? Whats the difference between a good friend and a boyfriend? The spark. Not how he treats her, cause Eduardo treats me well too. Not simply because of that am I going to go running into his arms. Julio hears me out too, but what about that spark? So how do I force it? And why oh why should I spend time with the wrong guy - funny how I can blatantly write out those words as if they were the truth - if that means the right guy might slip past.
I have a job interview, finally! And I happen to think I am perfect for the job. It gives me the opportunity to meet international people, enjoy the holidays I have crazed for so long, I would be in my comfort zone because I have worked at a University before and best of all, they pay for my masters in Education - my ticket to freedom.
Why is MY heart telling me to be alone? I don't feel healed. I enjoy going out, and meeting people. I just can't give my heart away until I get it back from Daniel in its entirety. I don't want to hold myself back. Isn't the beauty of being single being able to go where you want, when you want, with who you want? If I am not with Daniel, then I want to be able to pack up my stuff and leave. I want to wake up one morning and want to taste new flavours of the world. I like being able to say "Daniel". Sometimes I wonder if he is simply a replacement for Daniel. A Freudian slip  - those silly insights as to how your mind is working. I catch myself wanting to call him Daniel about ten times a day. I wonder what that means? Was I simply used to anyone that showed me attention being called Daniel? Or is my heart yelling out a name for a reason?
Everyone says I should move on.
Everyone says this guy is better.
Everyone says everyone says everyone says,
What does DOYEL say?

Melendi - Cancion de amor Caducada

I heard this yesterday, and it couldnt have said it better

No quiero cantos de sirenas
no quiero nudos de garganta
no quiero bailar con la pena
porque me da miedo pisarla
no quiero saber de lo que hablo
no quiero andarme por las ramas
no quiero saber por diablo
lo que por viejo se me escapa.
No conozco mandamientos
más allá de mis narices
por eso llevo remiendos en el alma
y cicatrices y un corazón ya viejo
maltratado con estrías de tanto mezclar
las penas con tan pocas alegrías.
Tengo una vena averiada en el corazón
que está muy mala y se carga cuando te veo mi amor
tengo una vena averiada
y está canción de amor que está caducada.
No quiero tirar la toalla
ni morirme en un escenario
quiero venir cuando tú vayas
y ver mi nombre en tu diario.
Ser como el calvo que se rapa
al cero siempre la cabeza
porque prefiere sentar solo
a que le empuje la certeza.
No conozco mandamientos
más allá de mis narices
por eso llevo remiendos en el alma
y cicatrices y un corazón ya viejo
maltratado con estrías de tanto mezclar
las penas con tan pocas alegrías.
Tengo una vena averiada en el corazón
que está muy mala y se carga cuando te veo mi amor
tengo una vena averiada
y está canción de amor que está caducada.
Tengo una vena averiada en el corazón
que está muy mala y se carga cuando te veo mi amor
tengo una vena averiada
y está canción de amor que está caducada.
No se que haces siempre metida en mi sangre
ya he probado el fondo y no me gusta como sabe.
No prenden las luces de mi lado oscuro
Mi mayor pecado no dejar ninguno.
Tengo una vena averiada en el corazón
que está muy mala y se carga cuando te veo mi amor
tengo una vena averiada
y está canción de amor que está caducada.
Tengo una vena averiada en el corazón
que está muy mala y se carga cuando te veo mi amor
tengo una vena averiada
y está canción de amor que está caducada

Digesting

What a crazy night, and right now I am just trying to digest it.
Its true what they say, everything DOES happen for a reason.
Yesterday I saw more into the world I am so desperately trying to push away. It was nice to be able to talk to a psychologist that didn't think I was crazy for feeling things. Two of my friends had their hands out, and they told me they were trying to contain the energy, I could see the strain in their hands, and I didnt get what they were doing. They told me to put my hands in the middle. WOW! It was magical, I could feel energy from both the sides. I sat down even MORE confused. Why does this keep happening?
I am in a room with a bipolar girl, who has ADD and OCD, makes ME feel normal.
A guy who couldn't handle the city anymore, left Mexico, moved to Zicatela, and put up a hostal for 4 years. That was always one of my plans, but turns out, its not profitable anymore, especially in Mexico due to the narcos.
A psychologist that believed in more than just science, but transpersonal psychology.
And a guy who's family has every right in the world to hate me, and yet received me, after a year, with arms wide open. I was in shock. It was as if my night had been created to lead me somewhere.
I had a conversation with the bipolar girl, she told me crazy stories, about how she had an accident and it caused her a concussion that made her write backwards for a year, and she never noticed it. She couldnt understand why the world kept on telling her that. She told me how she got diagnosed with the three comorbid disorders and how she had been on and off with her boyfriend who moved to the beach since she was 12. I asked if they were stable now, and she said no. That she needed someone patient and understanding with her, and he was just stubborn. (note to self)
Next, I talked to Daniel (ah the irony), who had moved out of the city because he couldnt handle it anymore. He told me horrible horrible stories about heartbreak and betrayal that made my heartache seem so mundane and cotidian. He came back, because he was not making enough to live,and his partner of two years, packed up her stuff and left, AFTER he forgave her for cheating on him. Two days later, his best friend, the neighbor, also up and leaves, never to be heard from again. He found out months later she was in Peru and ok. I told him about how i felt that places like that had a lot of magic, it was really charged, and he told me how he had never felt peace like that. We understood each other, and I loved it.
Next the psychology guy and I talked. He told me so much, explained so much. I talked to him about the three plains, and he said that that was true. He recommended many books for me to read but it made me excited. He talked to me about aura reading, but said that you dont practice it just like that, cause its nearly invasion of privacy. He told me that right now, maybe I need to strike a balance. Between the cold heart I can have and the open heart that feels to fragile. He made me smile cause he said I would have a hard time shutting it off, that he could clearly see it bleeding and yet I held my arms wide open. He told me to take that love and focus it or redirect it on the world. We talked about energy and mysticism, the meaning of g-d, how he thought my ego was in conflict. So much, so so so much, but it helped. I hope I see him again. He had two infinities tattooed on his body and the best part, he is a tattoo artist, and agreed to tattoo me for really cheap :)
It had been so long, if not EVER that I felt like I could open up like that.
Next, was the guy who has ALWAYS been in love with me, and i push away every two seconds. He wanted to talk to me, and took me upstairs and I freaked out. He told me to trust him. He started to undress, we were meant to go clubbing, I got so nervous, but he told me to relax, he was changing, not getting naked. I still couldnt look, I faced the wall. He came from behind and grabbed me and flinched away. He looked at me, and said "you dont feel beautiful anymore" and grabbed my hand and took me to the mirror. He was right, I didnt. I wore a sexy sexy dress, to try and change that, but yet, I just didnt. He told me he had never seen me like this after a break up and why? I thought about it for a while, and realized that maybe i saw sex as something a lot more sacred. I was nervous talking about sex in general, porn in general, fetishes, my body, love, boyfriends, commitment.... it all seemed like a world that I was not ready to plunge into.
I couldnt take how uncomfortable i felt and i ran down. The psychology friend said that maybe my biggest problem was that the FAMILY didnt like me. He asked me how i got along with ex's or Andoni's family and wow. They have always loved me, I have always been received arms wide open. This was the first time it was different, and I couldnt handle it. I got why  I was nervous when we made it and I had to say hi to his parents. They hugged me, and I wanted to cry. They were so nice, and sat and talked with us for a while, caught up on my life and told me how much they had missed me. I wasnt even sure how to react to this.
I think there is a lot i can learn from last night. i just need to digest it.

Dear Heart

Ok Heart, enough is enough.
Lets get this show on the road. Throw on some walls, some layers, make them of steel. Throw on a smile, and a swing in your step. Lets go get pretty, lets go show the world that I am fine. Fake till you ARE it, and at this very moment, I don't see an alternative. My mom says that I need to go out with guys, let them pamper me and treat me like a little princess. I don't know about it. My friends say I have to learn to walk before I run. I don't know about THAT either. I don't want life to pass me by while I cry about a guy that never cared. I am just scared that my hurt, will hurt someone else, that in turn will hurt someone else.
Maybe I should give him a chance. He has his heart wide open and so full of love for me. No matter what, he has endured. Its funny that I always talk about how if you truly love someone, you never stop. And here is my prime example and I just push and push and push. Maybe my mom is right. Maybe I should let him show me what HE sees in me. Why he is still around.
I dont wanna run into the arms of another guy but I don't want to stagnate. I dont want to compare every guy to Daniel, cause that will never get me anywhere. I dont know whats going to happen in three months from now, I'm scared, I'm nervous but I would be lying if i said I didn't feel free. Bring on the adventure world. I might stay here, I might leave. But I am ok with not knowing. The only thing that worries me is that the guy who has always loved me feels like his life is slipping him by. I told my mom how I finally had a vivid dream. And it was weird, cause it was like I realized it was a dream, but I let it happen. I was in a HIDEOUS white dress, and I knew it was my wedding. But I didnt want to go. I was scared to see who would be waiting for me, but something just told me that it was wrong. My mom urged me to get my make up on and to start to get ready, but i refused. I felt ugly and I couldn't believe what I was wearing. I asked my mom who I was marrying and she said Andoni. My heart sank. I begged her to let me run away, cause I couldnt. But she held my hand and told me it would be alright. I just remember waking up crying and wondering WHY I let that dream happen. I think in my heart I knew that that wasnt it. And if I KNOW he isnt right for me, then why waste his or my time?
My mom told me that its not usual mom advice, to tell you to get back on the horse. But that I was falling apart and maybe I needed a pillar. Im going to start going to a psychologist, and I could not be happier about that. Maybe this way I can meet new people, I just have to make sure that today, while I put my clothes and my make up on, I dont forget to put my shield around my heart too.....

My Realm of What If's and Maybes

it hurts, it physically hurts, for me i now consider mexico my salt, i need it, i need it to survive, but to my memories it is salt too, and it stings.. i hate visiting places that i have already visited without the people i tend to visit them with. i hate lookign at my walls and seeing the memories of a time that once were and will never be again. Its pathetic how i cling to that, living for a past, waisting my present and awaiting with diminishing hopes about my future. i feel beaten down by the world and still wait time and time again to have my hopes crushed a bit more. i seem lazy to the rest of the world and they are in every right to say that, but i dont believe myself to be that way, i have worked hard for everything i have ever achieved and just wish i had the opportunity to continue to do so. I will, i know i will, i just wish it were sooner than later. just sometimes loneliness gets the best of me, lack of human contact, lack of human affection, lack of motivation from the outside when i feel i need it the most. Yet i know that the only motivation that will truly change my siutation is my own. i dot know what i wish to achieve by writing all this, nor do i understand why i choose to write it online, and leave my vulnerabilities literally right on the table, but i have. Ill trust my instincts and leave myself wide open and exposed to everyone on facebook...
im choking on a past of beauty and gasping for a breath of fresh air. my soul is worn out and my spirit yearns to be mended and yet finds no comfort in anything. Disilusioned and yet my optimism keeps me wearing thin. I am fragile yet i hold my own ground, i meander down my own downwards flowing river and never seem to be able to be the fish that swims up the current. I need to, i know i need to, but why cant i find it within myself to be able to? I need to push myself, but i knwo that there are matters that are out of my hands. And yet that leaves me frustrated and i wear my optimism thin with every day that passes.
so there you have it, as clearly as i can put it and yet its all a blur of emotions that have no beginning nor no end, and yet in my intricate balance of depression and hyper mania, they seem to fit in nicely. I will snap out of this tomorrow, and once again accept my reality, i have no doubt about that. Thats another beautiful aspect of being Doyel, not only do you know how to let go of anger and rage that should be present but you dont let go of anger and hurt that you should move on from. I dont know how to quit on people, a quality which i desperately need to acquire, and i facilitate my own process of quiting on myself. Im good at smiling and faking to the world, and yet no mater how much i fake it, i cant get to a point where i believe it. im a bore and i never have anything interesting to say about myself, for everything that i do say, any optimistic thought, every negative action lies in my realm..
welcome to my world
the realm of what if's and maybes

Old Writing

There is a passion inside, this burning desire that drives me, that pushes me to the edge of insanity. It’s a parallel dimension where absurd seems real - although logically. There the chaos inside me is put to rest and the illogical can be free. It's a world where nothing is what it seems yet everything can be taken at face value. Even the most absurd dreams can not begin to compare to this realm of real make belief. Where love it too weak of a term, 3 dimensional is too flat and forever too short. It’s a surreal reality where time impedes nothing and mistakes are soon forgotten. I yearn to go there and free myself from what I have perceived to be real my whole existence. Enticed by the lack of judgment, the mysteries in curiosity, I dwell upon this world. A world so egotistical where others feelings can be made stagnant for periods of time in which they are not required, only to be resumed from where it was left. I want to experience these fleeting emotions, capture their essence and explore their consequences, only to finally return here to my safe haven. The place i call my home, no matter the mundane routine one must follow. A constant movement from one world to the other therefore enjoying both the structure and the chaos, the dull and the bright, the right and the wrong, the logical and the illogical - but alas, which world is more real to me?

Am I?

Am I whole again?
Does this mean i get to breath?
Can I see again?
Does my heart feel relief

See the nights are so endless
But last night i rested
In pillows of future and blankets of hope
That tomorrow would be better and low and behold

My hearts finally beating
The light finally shines
It warms me
It sooths me
And I finally feel all right

Sometimes a change of pace
Sheds grieve into ones life
But trust in the beauty of today
To get you through/
Dream in the mystery of the future
And if only I knew,



they say when one door shuts
ten doors open
so shine a light ahead
Im ready for the future.

Am I whole again?
Does this mean i get to breath?
Can I see again?
Does my heart feel relief

I am
It can
And it does.

Your Body

Your body is my canvas,
I want to make art.
Explore each crevice with my senses
From fingertip to fingertip
From head to toe
My taste buds explode
Drowning in the bliss
of your eyes heavenly kiss
I explore farther
my lips, my breasts, my palms
are the matchstick
You light me on fire
It burns me and consumes me whole
Our rhythm is poetry
A slowly created masterpiece
Each color, each layer, each stroke
Perfectly creates peaceful oblivion
our window are all open
and its brings me to tears
We melt and we blossom
we gasp and we grasp
an expression of love
Magical art

Night

The days, the days themselves aren't so bad. I feel like I can shut you out while I entertain myself with my hoola, reading, watching movies. I have friends that call me and the buzz of the world helps drawn out my heart. Today for the first time, I felt defeated, I felt numb. I know there is nothing I can do now but let you go. Such simple words and yet the actions seem so foreign. I have no more tears to cry, just a strong sense of missing you. Feeling that connection that I so often refer to.
Maybe just maybe some people are not meant to have their "happily ever after". Maybe I am one of them. Not the fate I had hoped for but I can feel my heart begin to scab. Not my whole heart, I still have so much love for the world. But love like I had known it, I think its time to lock that away. I don't want to open up my heart again like that. Its confusing cause I feel like I would have been fine, I could have gone out and dated, flirted and wanted to continue, if I didn't know how it truly felt to love. What it truly feels like. Now that I do, I realize that it doesn't come around that often. I waited 25 years to finally feel what I did. And I don't regret it for a moment. I am glad I got to live it, to understand it instead of it just being hollow words.
Its just the nights seem so endless, with my thoughts racing for hours. Its time to rip off the band aid, one swift move and its gone. It just stings still. I think I am going to grab my heart and lock it away. I don't want to deal with this anymore. Its painful to know, to see, and have a glass mirror that doesn't allow you in. My mind feels light and numb. It all seems a bit more dull at the moment.
Its horrible being defeated by love. Not sure if I'll ever plunge again.

Weekend

I had my first anxiety attack yesterday, and it was horrible. I have NEVER felt like that before. Bleagh, I feel like im just waiting my next one. I drown my sorrows in alcohol and i know its not healthy but i dont know what else to do. Im like going nuts. Im sick of none of this making sense and feeling like a yo yo. I havent been honest with anyone here, cause i feel like im going through this all by myself. But you know love? the cheesy mushy and crazy thing that everyone always talks about? the "loose myself in your eyes"? well i FINALLY felt that, i dont know how to let that go. Like my gosh, im finally over Aaron. If i could only explain what that means to me. Like put it this way, every second of every day I would live it, yes, but I always thought about how i should write it all down, so that when i was back with aaron, he knew where and what i had done. Like I had a secret blog where i would just write about how much my heart still missed HIM. I feel like i broke up with me, and pulled away and what not, cause my FRIENDS told me to do so. So this time, im keeping it all in, cause i felt like my biggest regreat was listening to my friends. :( sounds horrible, but eugh. Im sorry im opening up to you, but it feels safe :S
on wednesday, this guy that comes and goes from my life, called me. He has been in love with me since we were like 16, and i dont get why he still loves me. He is soooo much colder, sooo much more distant, but he called me. And me being a dumb ass, went out with him. He treated me like a mexican guy treats his gf, he opened doors for me, paid all my bills and bla bla bla, and everyone keeps tellling me how i NEED a guy like that. And that i can LEARN to love him.. but the whole time, i wa slike "please dont kiss me" and he did, and i burst into tears and he asked me what i was thinking, and HONESTLY, i told him "you arent daniel " He told me that why was i fighting destiny that i was meant to be him. and i told him that i couldnt, i couldnt fall in love, i couldnt chase him, i couldnt do anything. He todl me that i was wasting the best opportunity of my life. He is ooober rich, like you have no idea, and i told him i would rather be poor and in love. he took me home all pissed off, and i told him he was a good person, a good heart, and not to shut that off, but not waste it on me.
Skip to friday
One of my best guy friends calls me. He is FINALLY in love and happy with his gf and whatever, and he said that no matter how much he loves her, he needed to be away from her for a day and took the day off work and wanted to hang out. I agreed to hang out with him. We chilled and i told him why i didnt think that the girl wasnt the love of his life, bla bla bla. Oh, and i had sent Daniel an email the night with Andoni telling him that I was sick of him having me on a yo yo. He broke up with me, then begged to get me back the next day, and then i told him i wanted to see him, he never showed up, and sent me an email telling me he was banned from seeing me and then the next day that HE didnt wanna see me. Like, what? I todl him that if he was on a spiritual and loving path, he shoudl also be aware of all the SHIT he puts me through.
Daniel replies, and tells me how he could never trust me, that i was busy keeping my options open, bla bla bla, and all this shit that i have heard a billion times before, but all the other times they were true. And this time, even without him, my HEART is his. crazy, i know. I called him up, all furious, and kinda tipsy, cause i had been drinking with eduardo ( my good friend with a gf). He said that he was sorry he hadnt told me all this, and i said it wasnt fair. That I did everything in my power for him to know that i loved him, and if i explored the world, it was KNOWING that i would come back to the confort of his heart. I told him about aaron, and how HE was my biggest regret, listening to the world and i told him he was dumb if he let me go like that. And hung up on him. I took two shots and blacked out, fell asleep. Eduardo, my friend, put me in my bed, left me a sweet note and left. I had plans cause it was a friday, and i woke up at 9 pm. i was bursting of sadness, and impulsively, or still drunk, i dont know, i called Daniel. I told him that i KNEW he had plans. But that after i wanted to see him. He hesitantly agreed and told me he would be over at 3-4 am . I said, fine. (it hurts being this honest) :(
So i hung out with ANOTHER one of my best guy friends, and talked about bullshit until 1 am. And he had to go. So i waited up for Daniel alone. He got here at 4, and a bit tipsy but i had been drinking too.. so it was ok. And he got here and i just hugged him. Like for a good 5 minutes, and he whispered "im sorry" in my ear. And i KNEW he meant it. He was raging that day, and everything he sent, WASNT him, i knew it. Random i know, but when he speaks from his heart, its in spanish and when he converses and stuff its in english, and his email was in english. he looked into my eyes, and he felt my heart and told me not to feel soo much sadness. that he was there.. and i cried. cause i have hurt for sooo long on ithe inside and he felt it. its moments like that i KNOW he is the love of my life.
Anyway, he kissed me, and i felt lit on fire, we went to my room and i undressed and we made love for like an hour, and he held me in his arms and it was the first night i slept in bliss since we broke up. no racing thoughts, nothing. just at peace.
(please dont think im crazy :( )
The next morning we woke up at 7 lol. And i cried to him and told him how much it hurts me, that when we are together the universe ceases to exist.. and i forget that he is my EX. and we made love, like woow. from 7 till 11. He truly felt me, and told me that he loved giving me orgasms cause he FELT my extacy more than his own. I told him to stay, and spend the day with me. I ignnored all phone calls and we went on a walk. To a park thats like a mile and a half away from my house. I took my hoola and we held hands, and i felt alive again.
We went for lunch and i got lost in his eyes. I told him it hurt me that he kept on telling me to move on, like he didnt value what WE had. And he told me that he was a lost boy, and he KNEW he wanted to be a pilot. I told him about China, and how if we went together we could save more than 30,000 dollars in a YEAR together. That we could come back, and i could do my masters and he could become a pilot.He had planned to move to the states and marry a lesbian (good friend of his) to get his green card, and i told him that i couldnt handle that. THat i believed in the sanctity of marriage too much. Anyway, we went out with his friend, also called Daniel, and who i believed saw the love between us. He is one of Daniels friends that i feel is mature and full of understanding and i felt good sharing Daniel with him.
His friend is a recovering alcoholic and yet we went for a beer, and he sat there eating a burrito while me and daniel had our beer.
Daniel held my hand and i was in heaven.
He asked me if i liked when he kissed me on my forehead, and i said yes, cause it made me feel safe and protected. His friend told him that HE had to chase his dream of being a pilot. (background : his dad was a pilot and earned a shit load, more than 9 thousand dollars a month!!!) his airline went bankrupts a year before he was going to retire and claim his pension and Daniel was three months away from becoming a pilot)
We talked to him about how he had to do whatever it takes to make the 15,000 dollars that he was missing. He took me home, kissed me passionately and told me he would see me soon. He thanked me for an amazing time and left.
I havent heard from his since then.

sad

eugh, magic!!! you frustrate me!!! Soooo much!!! i finally GOT IT ALL OUT!!! i wrote out SADNESS!!!! eughhhhh and you just make it go away.. my world was shaking, everything was poured out, and instead of you letting me show the world, you took it away from me!!!!! I grabbed THAT moment,  ufff... I feel a little lighter, there is a song, that made me drain my eyes, in a beautiful way.... its honest and its love, and wow... I wanna translate it

Stay a moment here
Dont look my way
I wont be able to take it
if you pierce your eyes
That freeze my body

Its happened to me before
That i cant speak
Maybe you think I am crazy
And its true a little
I have to accept it
But if dont explain it to you
What i feel inside
You will never understand
When you see me cry. 

i never felt so alone 
As i did yesterday when
Suddenly I understood
While I stayed in silence
life yelled at me
that i never had you
and i never lost you
and it explained to me
that love is something 
that you spontaneously give
in natural way
filled with fire
If you force it it wilts
Without having a beginning it gets to its end

i never felt so alone 
As i did yesterday when
Suddenly I understood
While I stayed in silence
life yelled at me
that i never had you
and i never lost you
and it explained to me
that love is something 
that you spontaneously give
in natural way
filled with fire
If you force it it wilts
Without having a beginning it gets to its end

Maybe now you can understand
That if you touch me my skin burns
Maybe now you can understand
And dont come back if  you dont want to see

That i cry for you
That i cry without you
That I understood
That you're not for me
And I cry. 

Taken

I feel as though it was all taken away from me, without me having any control. It makes me wonder why I truly have control over. I feel my heart is a lie, a dead end road. Following it is following my demise. But its LOVE, and i know it. For the first time in my life, HIS happiness and HIS well being, even if it doesnt intertwine with mine, is all that I want. My heart yearns from him, longs for his touch, longs for him to be the man I once knew. Full of love and life and a confidence in who he was. I miss him, and no matter how much I talk to him, its not the same. We shared a bond, and there is no doubt in my head that it can not be replicated. That is what scares me. Where does all this love go? the bond that i once held on to as my life support? I am fine without him, my heart still beats, my lungs still inhale and exhale perfectly, my body is in tact. Its my heart that I dont feel beating without him that worries me. Its that yelling, incessant yelling of my heart that confuses me. I keep wondering why, if I am so sure, that my hearts plea is not responded.
It was my stability that was taken, the arms that were home.
My passion that was taken, to give myself completely.
And i feel its all still there, waiting, patiently waiting. I have no question in my heart, no doubt. My body cant love another the way i loved him. My heart pains me in a way that I have never felt before. Usually, I am strong. I grow another layer but to the world I am fine. I break down in silence, I cry by myself, and yet I feel so vulnerable now. My tears dont dry, even if my eyes do. My pain is overwhelming, and im scared it will never cease. My heart is heavy, carries a weight yet I am certain this universe sets obstacles in the way. I want to fight, with every shred of me, but I know thats not what he needs. He needs time, he needs space, he needs to grow and come to be. Yet I know what its like to go through that. Not know and doubt who you are. I know what it feels like to loose yourself, and need nothing more than to find yourself. I think my biggest regrets during that phase was loosing who at the time I thought was my other half. I let him slip away, let him build those walls, and if its a regret, then why am i watching my history repeat?
In a weird way, I feel like I AM living, going through the motions of a normal daily life. Feeling the ups and the downs and everything in between. I find refuge in music, comfort in silence, and even with meditation, it eases my mind but not my heart. I literally feel heavy, and I try to use it to feel strong. I am scared to succumb, cause the darkness will set in, scared to stay and watch myself fall apart, and scared to leave and live with the regret.
The turmoil of emotions, the rollercoaster ride I am on, I feel like I have been here many times. But theres ONE heart i broke, ONE heart i never paid attention to, that caused me to be this way. I look back and see the way he loved me, and how i threw that away. I look around and see who he is today, and I am proud to have known him, but miss his heart being whole. No, I dont sit here and pretend that I am some amazing being that left footprints in his heart, I see myself as a creator of walls, new challenges for the next person to love him. But I look at him, and never want to be him. Ive always said that I was put on earth to change the world, not the other way around.
If this is karma then so be it, I have a lesson I must learn. But having watched the world learn their lessons, I see how it destroys. I feel like I have life under control. I can figure things out as I go, and each day, each lesson makes me grow stronger in myself. Yet, Love, I have always been an observer of. I have cried over break ups but i realize I missed the companionship. I had never truly hurt over LOVE. I have destroyed many hearts, and never realized it until I met HIM. What scares me, is that I FINALLY learned love, gave it away and had it thrown in my face, Im just not ready to shut away the idea of LOVE anymore, but Im sure theres no one I want to share that with but Daniel.

In the way..

I find myself lost in the idea of sex. Sex for love, sex for lust, and sex for the sake of boredom. Each holding its thrills, its heartbreaks and its pains all intertwined in the web of what we so often refer to as love. I have an image in my mind as my hands begin to explore my body. I hear his name, I feel his touch and I get lost in the fantasy of his eyes, and yet I know what I'm feeling is not real, but my mind compensating for the love and lust that once had a home.It belonged to someone, my body, as a temple, my body as an object, my body to be lusted, by body to be loved, was all mixed and confused as I heard my clothes drop to the ground. I wanted to explore if only my head didnt get in the way, i wanted to release, if only my heart didnt get in the way. I wanted to be, to love and shine, if only my soul didnt get in the way.

Life

i think we are all on the same boat, some of us can pretend we have it all figured out, but in reality, who does? and what use are plans when they fail? i think its about being ok with making mistakes, learning from them, and accepting that it wILL happen, your road map will hcange a billion times, from now till the end of the year, and it would be wierd if it didnt. I think lifes about taking a deep breath and just realizing that some things are out of your control, and some things are in your control, and its ok if you havent figured out the difference. Its not pushing yourself to find answers but accepting them when they show up.


something i wrote on skype to someone

Wow

I think that the nights i gave you are werent pointless
You leave and what? I dont try and argue it
You and I know it

At least stay just tonight
I promise i wont touch you, feel safe
Maybe I am feeling lonely

Because I know that smile, so final
Your smile that exposed your paradise.

They say that, for each man, there is someone like you
But my place,
You will occupy with someone, as will i, better, i doubt it

Why do you shy your eyes
You ask us to still be friends
Friends, Why g/d damn it
I forgive a Friend

But I love you
It may seem vain, my natural instincts 

There is something I havent told you yet
That my problems, you know are named you
Thats why I act so tough
To feel a bit more secure

And if you dont even want to tell me how i failed you
Remember even I have forgiven you
But in change you say sorry, i dont love you
And you leave with this history between your fingers

What are you going to do, find an excuse and then leave me?
You shouldnt worry, you shouldnt provoke me

To write you a pair of songs
Trying to hide my emotions
Thinking, but not much in the words
Ill speak about your smile
That opened up your paradise.

I heard this in spanish on the radio, I translated it, its late, so its not perfect, but wow.. 

She has got her ticket

Fuck it, fuck it all. I WILL leave, SHHHH blog SHHHH. Its not running, its not hidding, it scares me more than life itself. But if i am going to do it right.. lets go.

Sometimes

Its funny how love works. Sometimes I feel like all you really need is that ONE smidgen thing to push you over the edge,  to KNOW without a shred of doubt, that wow, he CANT be the one. You are waiting for him to say something, so hurtful, so resentful and so full of spite, and it just makes you throw your hands up in the air and give up.

So for that, thank you.

Raw - also old writing

I sit as an observer in my own masquerade, i have so many facades I can no longer distinguish the real from the fake. I like the roller coaster, i like hurting and being hurt. I like what gets you to that hurt. The fact that you actually have to let someone close enough to be able to hurt you.. that's beauty to me.
I indulging in indulging myself. I am selfish and reckless. I am the epitome of the scum in the human existence. I lie because I want to see what I can get away with. I have no guilt, no remorse. If someone hurts me, i hurt them twice as bad. If someone loves me I destroy them completely. The guilt of my actions is poison my vains and the only way i can endure is to build up my immune system. Build up walls to cancel out the negative. Yet somewhere in the equation I choose to disregard that the negation of negative never proves its opposite. I would never truly be positive, i would be flung into the norm, the normative, that state that can only be described as numb. Detachment and disconnect at the snap of a finger. Now fake it. Fake it till you create no cracks. Keep them out. Its you against the world and the only way one will win. So i struggle and i kick and scream as though somehow that will make it better. I indulge in all of the 7 sins and for some reason feel pride in it. I have crushed numerous hearts. mastering my technique more and more. As i learn what makes people tick I begin pushing. I'm a professional deception artist. I can fake anything for as long as it need be. I don't even think about what or who i hurt unless i get caught. I lost my conscious before I had time to properly introduce myself to him.
I'm a dangerous dog that must be put down.
I will never stop and I will hurt and hurt until the world finally destroys me.
At my funeral I will expect to see everyone hurting, crying, weeping, lamenting having hurt me. Feeling guilt that I envy. But as I open my eyes to see the beauty in my destruction i realize no one came.....
Alas, the was free beer at the party on 43rd Street.

Dont Look Back - more old writings.

Its funny how the meaning of the same words can change to radically with wisdom that comes from mistakes made along the years. When i was 12 me and my friends made shirts that said Dont look back... that was the front of the shirt, and at the back we made elusive metaphoric portrayals of who we perceived ourselves to be. I was the alien, tall and disproportionate. With eccentric features and a prepubescent timidness, I counted solely on my value as a person. I centered my focus on matters pertaining the human psyche and how through the study there of, i could achieve some sort of perfection. The people i surrounded myself with, as well as though I choose to disregard, all played part in this egocentric mentality. I tried and failed numerous times until learned helplessness seemed like a term that could be tested on me, rather than rats.(psych joke) I focused on each mistake, expanded it, analyzed and turned it inside out. Much to my dismay it turned into an eternal state of mindless meditation. As though each moment has to be savored so much, broken down so much that it looses its meaning. This principle can be observed in meditation. Take for example the tecnique in which one word is repeated over and over again until the word looses all meaning. Like Love. LOVE LOVE LOVE L O VE L OVE LOV E and so forth, until it was just nothing but a sound.. a soft murmur in the background. So the value of a moment is reduced to a mare passing that can be digested in its entirety and therefore can not be weighed when dispensed with. and somewhere along the way i forgot everything, it was dissected till the pieces of my mind fragmented and diluted to the weight of the world. I let everything that was my present cloud my vision of the future.
I turned back.
And in that moment of weakness I broke down.


Funny how you never realize how wise you once were when you were young until your old and immature.

Cheating?

Something I wrote a long time ago :

engraved in my mind are tiny shreds of memories. These elusive ideas, their vividness enchants me. I am swimming in a never ending stream of possibilities. Each with their own consequences. The blend of danger and insecurities affect my vision. Is it tunnel vision? is it a dream of what in reality could never be? It plagues me, it engulfs me compleatly and leaves me confused. There are no words for feelings, they just are. There are no threats in my mind, its safe. Its the execution of these ideas, these opinions, these thoughts that cause reprocrussions. Could I ever truly ponder all the options, or is it a matter of trying. Trying leads the possibility of failing. My frail mind, as strong as it should be with these incessant thoughts, can not bear any more. Calm down little one.
Breath.
The worst is yet to come, so maybe you should just hold your breath and dive in.............

Something Special

This is really old but I thought I would compile my writing here anyway..

Something Special

He brakes me, he hurts me with such ease
He uses me but brings me to my knees
A touch so cold, he knows how to tease
broken and bruised and yet begging please

Please show me how to be so cold
What about you never gets old
To hide my humanity and only be this
Just a look, a fuck and a goodbye kiss

Teach me how to loose all of me
Please myself and let the rest just be
To brake and yet not be broken
Train my emotions to never be awoken

Take all of me and leave me less than whole
Leave me bleeding and let death take it's toll.
He has me wrapped around his finger, choking for air
But once he gets his, he zips up and doesn't care.

I try so hard to be different than the rest
To stand out some how, for once be the best
I open my legs, hoping he'll open his heart
But after each time he grins and says "honey get smart"

And yet I let him do this, use me like a whore
Lying naked and vulerable as he slams the door.
But tonight i gave him something especially from me,
Alhough I'm not a hooker getting paid
I gave him something special,
I hope he likes AIDS.

-written by Doyel

Addicted

Im addicted to life and all its profanities
Im addicted to death and all its humanities
I have darkness in me, but i have the light too
I am everything I hate, In me and in You
I try so sincerely
And fail so severely
Disheartened, disillusioned in a world i thought would never turn its back on me.

No no amor, esa no soy yo
No no amor, nunca te haria daño

Thunder Rolling

i heard the thunder rolling
And i knew the time was approaching
I was waiting, waiting to see the flash
the flash that would take me back to the life i despise
and as i waited, I took a deep breath
I enjoyed life to its fullest and discovered its magnificence
But yet I knew the thunder would eventually turn to lightning.
There would be a flash
And with each bright light, i would turn my gaze away.
hoping to avoid the storm that was approaching.
My heart was heavy with the thoughts of the rain
and it made my eyes drizzle
this world i am living in, is merely a fantasy
an illusion that can never be sustained
so ephemeral and yet so real to me.
Flash...!!!

How I Feel

Everything right now, is perfect. I'm alive, I'm breathing, I have friends, the sun is out, the world is spinning and the birds are chirping, ican here the mussle of the trees, and slowly fading dissipating sounds of buses in the distance. ...... take it all in.
But randomly wow, he doesnt love me not cause he doesnt love me, he loves me but in the same way he loves this earth, with no attachment. Its due to MY attachment that i have this weight in my heart. And yet I like that attachment, cause I feel like it grounds me with the earth.

Truth?

I sit here stumbling page upon page of information, words, ideas, thoughts, pictures and images. It makes me question if that is what they TRULY wanted to portray. I feel that, at least for now the world DOES have limits. Writters rearrange the order of words to try and truly express what they want to. Photographers capture the world but it is really how they see it? The magic in the world does not want to be captured and yet we try nonetheless.
I feel like I am on the brink of truth, its when the heart is bare that you fine tune your ears to the pieces of wisdom that life is constantly bombarding us with. Its when its truly done right, that it evokes feeling that we refer to something as art. So maybe the truly optimal way of living would be to see oneself as just that, trying to be art.
Its that lingering connection you have with a poem, its that heart wrenching feeling you feel when you hear those lyrics, its that picture that moves you, the words on the page that touch you, THOSE are the moments you truly remember. It is being able to acknowledge the hearts whispers and to explore why that piece of art stirred up your emotions.
I believe the universe is perfect and everything happens for a reason. Humans were made curious but I wonder how much we interpreted "free will" to imply "disrupting perfection", an oxymoron all in itself.
Are there enough words in the dictionary to truly describe the ultimate truth? Or are these boundaries intentional? So one must look inside to find the truth, but truly FEEL their own truth.

I hope to one day write like this

Skin 2
I don’t imagine you
saran-wrapped in black latex
or seeping out the edges
of something tight and red
I don’t close my eyes
to dream of your back
arched at the impossible angle
of a bow pulled tight
encouraging your shoulder blades
to drip the blood
of stockpiled broken hearts
but I hope the sound
of you not shielding your eyes
from my blinding humility
will one day top the charts
it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard
and you’re the charlie chaplin of your beautifuls
because you make me believe it
when you say it all without saying a word
looking at you it occurred to me
I could sit around all day
wearing nothing but your kiss
you make mirrors
want to grind themselves
back down into sand
because they can’t do your reflection justice
and this just in
I am done with those
who in life would have made me fight
an army of imperfections
a battalion of flaws
tonight we’re going to keep this city up
when they hear our bodies
slap together like applause.


http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1XJPmS/rileydog.posterous.com/659-am

If you wanna see more from him. But wow. I feel like lately I've noticed that each day holds more truth in it than the day before. You learn and you grow and you mature, and had you learned what you did today, yesterday, it may not have made the same sense. THIS holds the truth to what I consider true love, to what I think I had or should I say have? Cause love doesn't disappear if it was ever true.

Calm before the storm

Its a roller coaster. A crazy crazy roller coaster. And right now, at this very moment, I am numb. My mind isn't racing, its calm. Its three in the morning and Im glad that i cant hear anything. I can just  hear my breath, and the keys on the laptop as I type this post. I am undeniably lost, confused and in a world of pain. Supposedly tears are the way of cleansing the soul, but when my eyes go dry my heart remains heavy. Maybe its too soon for me to see the light. I hope I will. But at this very moment, when I'm not busy self destructing, I feel peaceful. I wish i could hold on tightly to this feeling but I know the chaos will come again. My mind will get flung back into the what ifs with something simple... but I am trying to not go down that path. I will, eventually and I do not doubt it for a second.


but right now, I find solice in the calm and silence the world irradiates.

“Most people have a harder time letting themselves love than finding someone to love them.” -Bill Russell-

Riddle

answer me a riddle,
and be truthfl in what you say,
for liars dig their graves,
In the most uncomfortable way.
Dont be shy to lay it plane
No you won't be deemed insane.
Its just a simple matter;
Pick the former or the latter. ]
If someone had a psychotic fit,
To wht would you attribute it?
To a terribly foreign form of being?
Or just a different way of seeing?

Keep on dancing till the world ends

so why not? why not BELIEVE that the world WILL end in 2012, and seize the moment, breath it all in and truly feel overwhelmed by its beauty. I have had a million friends tell me how they are leaving to travel the world without a road map.. because the more plan the more dissapointed you get. so i feel our generations is going through an epidemic of seizing the moment.. yet in the back of my mind, i realize that its all selfishly. no one tries to give back cause everyone is enjoying THEIR time, so here is my new mission. WHy not travel the wolrd and see it all, but instead of only to observe, to change. if the world ends i want it to end with me knowing i did everything in my power to help , to aid, to care and to nurture everyone i had the pleasure of knowing into a better version of themselves. not for the rewards i will one day reap but for the mere pleasure of the experience. it doesnt take much to mark a difference but most people never try. people travel and soak it all in, but what is knowledge if its not shared? when i was 13 i made my philosophy "its not the world that i am changing, i do this so, the world will know it will not change me" so ill keep dancing till the world ends and hope that my beat can touch the heart of atleast one person, cause to me, thats what life is all about.

Bipolar Broken Heart

Its all tumultuous and crazy, a heap of emotions that I did not sign up for. Love, that crazy ephemeral thing that one day is there and the next it is not. I thought I had done it innumerable times and but I never did it right. It is called "falling" in love because that's exactly what you do. You grab your heart and you place it on a vulnerable platter and give it to someone, trusting that it wont be broken. I FINALLY did that, completely, I gave my heart, my body, my life, my soul. But where does it all go? When the feeling is no longer reciprocated? I fee lost and without direction. I feel loved, oh so loved, and I love the world. I am not bitter and don't get me wrong, I see human compassion, human kindness and it overwhelms me with joy. But its that heartache that only ONE human can cause - soul ache. That's how I feel. My heart is in tact and ready to love anyone willing to love. Its my SOUL that choose a lover and evidently... got it wrong. So who to trust? My heart? My body? My soul? They are all yelling a name, a path, a destiny that is denied to me. Ill probably blog a lot and for no one to be honest. Just to try and heal.

"character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved." (Helen Keller)